In becoming a Mother, I never thought that the early days of this journey would have taught me so much or changed me so much. 17 months ago, I was a rather different person to who I am now but it is only now over the course of the past 6-8 weeks, that I have felt as if my eyes are beginning to open up to who it is that I really have the potential to be.
I am starting to feel as if our lives are finally starting to calm down around here for the first time since our little bundle (not so much of a bundle anymore) came into the world. My life no longer seems to revolve around a constant barage of mounting laundry due to spit-up stained clothes and the general day to day mess of caring for an infant. We have far less sleepless nights now than we did during those initial early days (thank goodness as I am someone who needs my sleep) and I find that we have settled into somewhat of a routine and balance between our play group, running errands, visiting friends and spending time with family.
At the moment, I feel as if I am only just coming out of the post-baby fog that I have had my head in for many months. It is as if I am finally able to stand up straight, shake my head, wipe the grit out of my eyes and look at the world around me for the first time in over a year. Part of this is because since I had my baby, I have been on a mission to lose not only the baby weight that I had gained but also the additional weight that I had been carrying around prior to even becoming pregnant.
The battle of the scale is one that I have fought for many, many years. I have been up and I have been down. At my heaviest, I was a size 22 and I still have the pants to prove it. Now though, after successfully losing around 80lbs I feel as if I am finally winning at this fight that I have been in with myself both mentally, emotionally and physically however the person who has emerged from this weight loss process is not the person who began it.
I feel lighter in more ways than just one and I feel as if my view on things going on around me is clearer. I am different now not only in the way that I dress but also in the level of confidence that I have and how it is that I choose to express this. Having my daughter was the catalyst that I needed for so many years to make me really decided to step foot on this path and to once and for all stick with it. I have had to mentally learn to view my relationship with food not as a "diet" but as "lifestyle". I joined Weight Watchers and have to admit that it saved me...from myself and more importantly has hopefully helped to guarantee that my daughter will have her Mother around for a very, very long time to come.
For me, being 5ft 4" tall and as size 22 was far from healthy no matter how much I tried to tell myself that "I was fine" or that "This is how I was meant to be" and it is only now that I look back at the person who I was then and see just how much of myself I was hiding from the world. I look at my wedding photos and barely recognize the person starting back at me as ME because that person is not who I see now when I look in the mirror.
When I started on this journey to live a healthier life and lose the weight, I never thought that it would impact my life in the way that it has. Yes, I knew there would be changes physically and that I would have to buy new clothes (yay!) but I never knew that it would affect things such as my friendships with those that I have known for many years. I never thought that by losing the weight, I would want to live an overall better life not only by what I put in my mouth but also by making smarter decisions on the sorts of personalities that I choose to surround myself with. I know that in life, there is an ebb and flow to all relationships but for me some of the decisions I have had to make in regards to these relations has not been easy as I have felt guilty about changing as a person and wanting to experience new things or do things that I have not done in so many years only because I was not physically able to do so.
Carrying around so much extra weight for me was like dragging a semi-truck behind me and the more loaded that the cargo space became, the worse I felt about myself. Now though, I no longer feel this way and I know that is because I have been able to unhook myself from this albatross and metaphorically, leave it by the side of the road.
Due to this, I am not 100% sure anymore which direction this blog will be going in. Will be the writings of a Mother going through Toddler-hood for the first time or those of a woman discovering new things about her life now that a page has been turned and a new chapter started? Will it be a sort of journal between who I was and who I am now with a few Toddler related bantterings thrown in for good measure? Who knows. Or, will it be a combination of all of this and with that being said, the start of something else new in my life? Perhaps....
What I do know though as I look at the time and realize how late it is that tomorrow is another day and that I am looking forward to experiencing something new. I look forward to spending time with good friends and spending time with my daughter...even if she is far more interested in either Elmo, Ernie or Grover at the moment rather than the changes occurring in her Mother's life at the moment and her own positive affect in this area....