Phew, life sure changes once you have a baby. Never did the line from the commercial on t.v that says "having a baby changes everything" mean so much. I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to blog in ages and while I probably have had little snippets of time here and there where I could have sat down for 15-20 minutes, I haven't had the time to fully immerse myself in a thought and then put that thought down in a clear and concise manner.
I remember when I was working and I used to complain about being busy and running short on time because of one thing and another but now I look back on that and want to laugh in the face of my former self. I used to think that between my 30 minute commute (each way), working 40 or so hours a week and having hours filled with long meals out with my husband of with friends, running errands and doing stuff around the house took away from my ability to sit down and write and yes, I used each one of these as a reason not to but had I known then, what I know now...I would have put in HOURS and HOURS just on writing.
I went to my MOPS group this week (highly recommended for any stay at home Moms or those that work part-time) for our bi-weekly meeting and the discussion was about our lives as women prior to becoming Moms and how they change after we become Moms and attempting to find that balance between the two. I.E. that we don't have to give up ourselves entirely just to be Moms and that it is actually better that we don't because our children need to see us as being individuals and not only having our own talents but also pursuing them as in the end, this make them strong people themselves.
This "balance" is something that I have been struggling with since my daughter came into the world 8.5 months ago. I remember sitting at home the day before I was going into the hospital to have her (I was induced) and eagerly anticipating the moment when I would see "the baby" (we chose to let the gender be a surprise) and expected it to be like it is depicted in the movies or on the show "A Baby Story on TLC. I guess my thought was "that is a reality show, so that must be more accurate than the movies!" but little did I know just how wrong I was.
Less than 24 hours later, I was in the OR having a c-section completely hopped up on medication and not really knowing what was going on. I couldn't see anything and when my daughter was born, my husband was the one who had the reaction that I thought I would and who got to hold her for the first time. The thing is though, at the time, I didn't care. I was honestly just glad that she was healthy and that I was no longer pregnant but I was too busy shaking uncontrollably to even fathom holding her, let alone nursing (which went out the window on day 2 anyway)and could only think "sleep, all I want to do is sleep...please let me stop shaking so I can sleep".
Until this meeting this week, I honestly thought I was a terrible Mother for having those thoughts on the first night of my daughter's life in this world. What I didn't know though is that I wasn't and far from it. Most of the women at my table admitted they had had a similar experience post-birth and that this sort of reaction was far more normal than the one we do see in the movies and/or on T.V. Like myself, 2 of the other women at my table admitted to falling asleep in the recovery room and most of us who had had c-sections admitted to barely remembering the first 24 hours of our child's life. Sad but thank goodness my husband captured every moment post delivery on video...I now treasure that bit of footage more than any other we have.
What we found though upon further discussion is that we are all struggling for time and learning how to balance our new lives. The group we belong to stands for Mothers of Pre-schoolers so all of the little ones are birth through about 6 years old and therefore we can all learn and relate to each other...those of us that are first time Moms are obviously learning a lot more from the more seasoned veterans than actually giving advice at this point in time. One thing we all mentioned is how much time we had prior to having children (that we thought was so little) and how there are days when we might like to go back and just have 1 day in that world and perhaps relish in the fact that all we have to do is think about ourselves.
It sounds selfish but really that is what it was like. Yes, I thought about my husband and we spent a lot of time together but we could just pick up and go when we wanted. We didn't have to plan to leave a half hour before we needed to be somewhere that was only 15 minutes away and nor did I have to get a bag ready the night before with what seems like enough supplies for 3 weeks like I do now. There are days when I literally feel like all I do is: pack and unpack the diaper bag, make bottles and wash bottles, load laundry and fold laundry, take out toys and pick up toys, fill baths and give baths and hunt on occasion for the missing pacifier.
There are also some weeks that we come to end of on a Friday evening and I am sitting with my husband watching a DVD and I realize that I am completely and utterly exhausted and unsure if I can make it until 9:00 (but we only started the movie 20 minutes ago as that is when the baby finally went down) and when I think about what the majority of my week consisted of and realize that I spent all of this time doing all of these things for someone else and once again, I neglected to make time for me.
I have been thinking a lot about that meeting since we had it on Monday and my pre-baby idea of "free time" and what my post-baby definition is of it now and the one thing I have realized is that I have to make it a point to make time for me as well. I have realized that I don't have to be a "career woman" for my daughter to see me as being successful when she is older (although I probably will still go back to work at some point) but I do have to continue to pursue the other interests that I have always had and who knows, perhaps when she is old enough we will find that one of these is a shared interest and something we can both enjoy. Therefore, giving us more "time" together.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
My new inspiration....
When I was working outside of the home, I was inspired (or so I thought) to be successful in a variety of areas such as: Have better people skills, Focus more and make the sale or fill the job, Be the most productive, Earn a higher salary, Bring in the highest commission, Be certified in my area of expertise, Come in early/leave late and take calls after hours and on weekends or in other words do whatever it took even if that meant sacrificing my personal life.
At the time, I was fine with this and I truly thought that I was inspired. I did love what I was doing and as a Recruiter, I got to assist others in finding great jobs as quickly as possibly that were the "perfect" fit for them. However this was not without benefit to me from a financial perspective and I have to say is one that at times I did tend to focus on. Had I not got pregnant and then lost my job, I would probably be back there now continuing to do all of these things all the while sacrificing my personal life which now would have been far more busy than it as just a few short months ago.
They say that "hindsight is 20/20" and I believe this to be true. For one thing, I no longer look at what I do professionally as defining me (should I return to work) and am 100% positive that the career path I was on is not one that was really inspirational or making me a better person at all.
I came to this realization today, as I was sitting on the floor playing with my daughter. She has just learned how to clap and wave and as far as she is concerned having the ability to do this, is just about the best thing in the world...apart from her bottle, of course! Seeing these accomplishments in life bring so much joy to one so small tend to (at least in my case) make one re-evaluate what it is that is truly important in life. Sitting there, I began to think about what it is that is really important to me personally and while I would like to go back to work at some point, I believe that I need to find something completely different from what it is that I did before and this is in part for my daughter.
It is funny how having a child makes one reconsider your own wants and needs. We all hear this before the baby arrives that, "it is no longer about just you" but coming to that realization is very different as it doesn't necessarily happen overnight. With me, it started slowly and as corny as it sounds, I honestly feel like certain things are beginning to become clearer to me. I feel like I have been going through my life looking through a sheer curtain and having my daughter has lifted that and made me see just how many opportunities there are out there for me and if there is something new that I want to do...that I shouldn't be afraid to go after it.
First and foremost on my list at the moment is to get healthy, once and for all. Weight has been an ongoing issue in my life for years and is one that I am completely sick and tired of. Therefore, I have re-joined Weight Watchers and this time, will meet my goal. I was halfway there before when I hit a plateau 2 years ago and let work and working extra hours get in the way. I then got pregnant, gained weight and while I have lost all but 3lbs I am back to where I was when I hit this bump in the road. So, with the support of my family I am back on this journey and as my sister reminded me the other night on the phone...this time I am starting at what was the halfway point for me last time so I am already ahead of the game! (I really need to start listening to my little sister!)
I was a bit hesitant walking back in to Weight Watchers yesterday for my first weigh-in and meeting but what I found as I sat there and listened, is that I was comfortable and actually relieved to be back. I tried it on my own...it didn't work for me, and having this sort of support makes me feel like I am lifting some sort of burden off of my shoulders. In a way I have finally admitted to myself and those that I love "okay, I stumbled a bit and might not be right where I want to be just yet, but I can do this and will". It was as if, I had to come to those terms myself but what held me back was the fear of admitting that not only to myself but to my family. For some reason, I thought that they would think less of me (which they would not have) but this didn't happen and nor did my world come crashing down or anyone laugh at me. As a child, I was made fun of because I was heavier and taking ownership of this in my life is one thing that I have always struggled with....I feel like I finally have.
I also thought about what it is that I want to be doing professionally that will bring me joy and as I sat on the floor watching my daughter giggle at her talking puppy (who by this point was singing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes for the 40th time today) I found that I kept coming back to the thought that it has be creative. I have always loved reading, writing and art and in fact get a certain charge out of putting together a well thought out paragraph, reading a book that makes me think and stays with me long after the last page has been turned and looking at a painting for the first time that literally "speaks" to me and makes my heart skip a bea> Hence why the reprint of Vetriano's "The Butlers Dance" hangs on my kitchen wall.
I know that I was not cut out to go and work in a cubicle or a stuffy office where I have someone looming over me and watching my every move or telling me what I "need" to do and when etc. Been there..done that! I am still not sure what this will be exactly but I believe that I have been given this time that I have and that my old job ended in the way that it did for a very specific reason. I believe that this was so that I would be able to have this particular time with my daughter but also so that I can decide what it is that I want to putting my other energies in to. I want my daughter to look at me when she is older and think to herself "Mom went after what she really wanted and I know that I can do the same".
I used to think that having a great job had to do with making the most money, having really good health care and moving up the ladder as quickly as possibly but now, I don't feel that way. While money is great and as we all know is a necessity in life, I don't want my life to be about that and I don't want her to grow up believing that she has to keep "going, going, going" in order to have it all. That term "have it all" is one that as a woman I have heard over and over and over again and now, I am not sure that I want it all especially if the only reward in the end is a larger bank account. I want to really enjoy what I do and feel that it is beneficial to not only me but also to my family as it makes me a happier person and not someone who is tired and stressed out all of the time. I know that if I were back in my old job right now that I would be this way and I can only imagine how this would negatively impact my daughter and I sometimes wonder if she would be anywhere near as happy a baby.....
The long and short of it is, is that my new inspiration IS my daughter. She makes me want to be a better person and to really go after my dreams. My husband always encouraged me to do this but having this new little person in my life who is experiencing so many firsts at the moment and getting so much joy out of them that it makes me want to experience this for myself on a personal level again instead of just watching it. In the next year, I would like to be at my goal weight for the first time in a very long time to be doing what it is that I would love to be doing professionally for the first time ever and not just settling or taking the first thing that comes along.
As I continue to ponder what this is, I know that I will continue to be inspired by my little smiley girl and in the meantime let her make my heart skip a beat on a daily basis.
At the time, I was fine with this and I truly thought that I was inspired. I did love what I was doing and as a Recruiter, I got to assist others in finding great jobs as quickly as possibly that were the "perfect" fit for them. However this was not without benefit to me from a financial perspective and I have to say is one that at times I did tend to focus on. Had I not got pregnant and then lost my job, I would probably be back there now continuing to do all of these things all the while sacrificing my personal life which now would have been far more busy than it as just a few short months ago.
They say that "hindsight is 20/20" and I believe this to be true. For one thing, I no longer look at what I do professionally as defining me (should I return to work) and am 100% positive that the career path I was on is not one that was really inspirational or making me a better person at all.
I came to this realization today, as I was sitting on the floor playing with my daughter. She has just learned how to clap and wave and as far as she is concerned having the ability to do this, is just about the best thing in the world...apart from her bottle, of course! Seeing these accomplishments in life bring so much joy to one so small tend to (at least in my case) make one re-evaluate what it is that is truly important in life. Sitting there, I began to think about what it is that is really important to me personally and while I would like to go back to work at some point, I believe that I need to find something completely different from what it is that I did before and this is in part for my daughter.
It is funny how having a child makes one reconsider your own wants and needs. We all hear this before the baby arrives that, "it is no longer about just you" but coming to that realization is very different as it doesn't necessarily happen overnight. With me, it started slowly and as corny as it sounds, I honestly feel like certain things are beginning to become clearer to me. I feel like I have been going through my life looking through a sheer curtain and having my daughter has lifted that and made me see just how many opportunities there are out there for me and if there is something new that I want to do...that I shouldn't be afraid to go after it.
First and foremost on my list at the moment is to get healthy, once and for all. Weight has been an ongoing issue in my life for years and is one that I am completely sick and tired of. Therefore, I have re-joined Weight Watchers and this time, will meet my goal. I was halfway there before when I hit a plateau 2 years ago and let work and working extra hours get in the way. I then got pregnant, gained weight and while I have lost all but 3lbs I am back to where I was when I hit this bump in the road. So, with the support of my family I am back on this journey and as my sister reminded me the other night on the phone...this time I am starting at what was the halfway point for me last time so I am already ahead of the game! (I really need to start listening to my little sister!)
I was a bit hesitant walking back in to Weight Watchers yesterday for my first weigh-in and meeting but what I found as I sat there and listened, is that I was comfortable and actually relieved to be back. I tried it on my own...it didn't work for me, and having this sort of support makes me feel like I am lifting some sort of burden off of my shoulders. In a way I have finally admitted to myself and those that I love "okay, I stumbled a bit and might not be right where I want to be just yet, but I can do this and will". It was as if, I had to come to those terms myself but what held me back was the fear of admitting that not only to myself but to my family. For some reason, I thought that they would think less of me (which they would not have) but this didn't happen and nor did my world come crashing down or anyone laugh at me. As a child, I was made fun of because I was heavier and taking ownership of this in my life is one thing that I have always struggled with....I feel like I finally have.
I also thought about what it is that I want to be doing professionally that will bring me joy and as I sat on the floor watching my daughter giggle at her talking puppy (who by this point was singing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes for the 40th time today) I found that I kept coming back to the thought that it has be creative. I have always loved reading, writing and art and in fact get a certain charge out of putting together a well thought out paragraph, reading a book that makes me think and stays with me long after the last page has been turned and looking at a painting for the first time that literally "speaks" to me and makes my heart skip a bea> Hence why the reprint of Vetriano's "The Butlers Dance" hangs on my kitchen wall.
I know that I was not cut out to go and work in a cubicle or a stuffy office where I have someone looming over me and watching my every move or telling me what I "need" to do and when etc. Been there..done that! I am still not sure what this will be exactly but I believe that I have been given this time that I have and that my old job ended in the way that it did for a very specific reason. I believe that this was so that I would be able to have this particular time with my daughter but also so that I can decide what it is that I want to putting my other energies in to. I want my daughter to look at me when she is older and think to herself "Mom went after what she really wanted and I know that I can do the same".
I used to think that having a great job had to do with making the most money, having really good health care and moving up the ladder as quickly as possibly but now, I don't feel that way. While money is great and as we all know is a necessity in life, I don't want my life to be about that and I don't want her to grow up believing that she has to keep "going, going, going" in order to have it all. That term "have it all" is one that as a woman I have heard over and over and over again and now, I am not sure that I want it all especially if the only reward in the end is a larger bank account. I want to really enjoy what I do and feel that it is beneficial to not only me but also to my family as it makes me a happier person and not someone who is tired and stressed out all of the time. I know that if I were back in my old job right now that I would be this way and I can only imagine how this would negatively impact my daughter and I sometimes wonder if she would be anywhere near as happy a baby.....
The long and short of it is, is that my new inspiration IS my daughter. She makes me want to be a better person and to really go after my dreams. My husband always encouraged me to do this but having this new little person in my life who is experiencing so many firsts at the moment and getting so much joy out of them that it makes me want to experience this for myself on a personal level again instead of just watching it. In the next year, I would like to be at my goal weight for the first time in a very long time to be doing what it is that I would love to be doing professionally for the first time ever and not just settling or taking the first thing that comes along.
As I continue to ponder what this is, I know that I will continue to be inspired by my little smiley girl and in the meantime let her make my heart skip a beat on a daily basis.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Welcome 2010!
2009 has officially come and gone and I have to say that apart from the birth of our daughter that I am thrilled for it to be over. It just seemed to be a tough year for everyone that I know in some way or other and I think that we are all looking forward to not only this next year but also the next decade and are hopeful of what it will bring.
One of the things that I realized this year when asked what my new years resolution was is that it didn't focus on myself. Yes, there are things that I want to work on in the new year such as continuing to lose the extra baby weight (I can get into my pre-pregnancy jeans (woo hoo!) I just can't sit down in them), working out more, eating healthier and deleting the "toxic" personalities from my life but there were also those that I didn't expect such as:
Meet other first time Moms (or those with young children)
Have playdates for my daughter so she begins to make friends
Spend more time appreciating the little things in life that my daughter is so fascinated by
Trust my instincts as a Mom more
One of the things that I have found it very tough to do since being home is to meet other first time Moms or even stay at home Moms and have found myself having to seek out those resources. Thank God for my girlfriend who recommended my MOPS group or I might just have actually lost my mind come mid-September of 09. It is an amazing resource of women with kids of all ages who are able to really learn from each other, share "war" stories and also socialize without the kiddos and even our husbands on occasion - therefore we really get time away :-)
Along with this, our daughter has now reached her 7 month milestone and I am realizing how important it is for her to begin to interact with other little ones of her age. We joined a couples with kids group in our area and have met a couple with a little girl who is about 3 weeks older than ours. We met up with them today at Borders for coffee and playtime and it was a hoot just to watch the girls interact with each other. It took our daughter a little bit of time to warm up to the situation as she tends to be a bit more like me and check out things before she participates but in the end, they seemed to be getting along with each other and I think had naptime not ensued that they would have been perfectly happy to giggle at each other for the better part of the afternoon. These are the sorts of things that she needs more of to develop her own social skills but it is also great for all of us (even the Dads) as since the girls are so close in age we are able to share a lot of similar experiences going on in our lives right now.
This is how I have begun to notice how important it is to really appreciate the little things in life that this time last year, I know I would have taken for granted since I would not have been sitting down on the floor playing as much as I do now. The wonder that I see in my daughter's eyes as she picks up a toy for the first time or in watching the shadows move across the carpet or how one can be entertained merely by sitting across from another and smiling and giggling makes me see how much we miss as we get older. Our lives are so fast that we never really stop, look around and actually take it all in...something I truly hope I am able to do more of.
Trusting my instincts as a new Mom is one that I grappled with at the beginning when I thought I needed to be reading all the books, going off of what the pediatrician said verbatim and comparing my child to everyone else's. Now, I still do sometimes compare my daughter's milestones to those of others who I know or what I have read but I don't stress out over it like I once did since there are some areas where she has been ahead of the curve and others where she has been a bit behind but they say that in the end we all get there and if it takes a little bit longer not to worry.
I have begun to take on the mindset that the best person to tell me when my daughter is ready to eat new foods (i.e. move up to the next level), begin crawling, walking etc is my daughter and that she does do things in her own time. She has never been a child who will "do tricks on command" and reminds me of that quite frequently when I want her to do something at that particular moment as she looks at me as if to say "Mommy, that isn't happening and the more you want it to the less likely it will". She is definitely teaching me a thing or two about patience...something anyone who knows me will tell you I lack.
Over the past few days, I have heard it mentioned on more than one occasion by one person or another that they are wishing the holidays weren't over as it means no more time off work and that they are counting the days until the next day off or their vacation. This time last year, I was in their shoes and I remember feeling exactly the same way but due to one thing and another I am not in that position at this particular time and for the first time in many years, I am looking forward to attempting to keep the resolutions that I have made. I am sure that some will take more work than others and I will stumble and fall in some areas but if I believe (as I do with my daughter) that in time I will get there....then hopefully by this time next year, I will be able to say that I have successfully accomplished some of those goals and kept my resolutions.
On a side note though, I do have one more personal resolution - carve out more one on one time with the girlfriends. It is great to get together with the kids and husbands etc but I am learning (especially this past year) how important that relationship with other women is for us as Moms and in general...something I know I have taken for granted and I intend not to any further. It is amazing how just sitting down for a couple of hours over a good cup of tea and talking about anything can be cleansing for the soul...something I was reminded of yesterday as I truly believe that it benefits every aspect of our lives and makes us better and stronger women and in turn..Moms.
One of the things that I realized this year when asked what my new years resolution was is that it didn't focus on myself. Yes, there are things that I want to work on in the new year such as continuing to lose the extra baby weight (I can get into my pre-pregnancy jeans (woo hoo!) I just can't sit down in them), working out more, eating healthier and deleting the "toxic" personalities from my life but there were also those that I didn't expect such as:
Meet other first time Moms (or those with young children)
Have playdates for my daughter so she begins to make friends
Spend more time appreciating the little things in life that my daughter is so fascinated by
Trust my instincts as a Mom more
One of the things that I have found it very tough to do since being home is to meet other first time Moms or even stay at home Moms and have found myself having to seek out those resources. Thank God for my girlfriend who recommended my MOPS group or I might just have actually lost my mind come mid-September of 09. It is an amazing resource of women with kids of all ages who are able to really learn from each other, share "war" stories and also socialize without the kiddos and even our husbands on occasion - therefore we really get time away :-)
Along with this, our daughter has now reached her 7 month milestone and I am realizing how important it is for her to begin to interact with other little ones of her age. We joined a couples with kids group in our area and have met a couple with a little girl who is about 3 weeks older than ours. We met up with them today at Borders for coffee and playtime and it was a hoot just to watch the girls interact with each other. It took our daughter a little bit of time to warm up to the situation as she tends to be a bit more like me and check out things before she participates but in the end, they seemed to be getting along with each other and I think had naptime not ensued that they would have been perfectly happy to giggle at each other for the better part of the afternoon. These are the sorts of things that she needs more of to develop her own social skills but it is also great for all of us (even the Dads) as since the girls are so close in age we are able to share a lot of similar experiences going on in our lives right now.
This is how I have begun to notice how important it is to really appreciate the little things in life that this time last year, I know I would have taken for granted since I would not have been sitting down on the floor playing as much as I do now. The wonder that I see in my daughter's eyes as she picks up a toy for the first time or in watching the shadows move across the carpet or how one can be entertained merely by sitting across from another and smiling and giggling makes me see how much we miss as we get older. Our lives are so fast that we never really stop, look around and actually take it all in...something I truly hope I am able to do more of.
Trusting my instincts as a new Mom is one that I grappled with at the beginning when I thought I needed to be reading all the books, going off of what the pediatrician said verbatim and comparing my child to everyone else's. Now, I still do sometimes compare my daughter's milestones to those of others who I know or what I have read but I don't stress out over it like I once did since there are some areas where she has been ahead of the curve and others where she has been a bit behind but they say that in the end we all get there and if it takes a little bit longer not to worry.
I have begun to take on the mindset that the best person to tell me when my daughter is ready to eat new foods (i.e. move up to the next level), begin crawling, walking etc is my daughter and that she does do things in her own time. She has never been a child who will "do tricks on command" and reminds me of that quite frequently when I want her to do something at that particular moment as she looks at me as if to say "Mommy, that isn't happening and the more you want it to the less likely it will". She is definitely teaching me a thing or two about patience...something anyone who knows me will tell you I lack.
Over the past few days, I have heard it mentioned on more than one occasion by one person or another that they are wishing the holidays weren't over as it means no more time off work and that they are counting the days until the next day off or their vacation. This time last year, I was in their shoes and I remember feeling exactly the same way but due to one thing and another I am not in that position at this particular time and for the first time in many years, I am looking forward to attempting to keep the resolutions that I have made. I am sure that some will take more work than others and I will stumble and fall in some areas but if I believe (as I do with my daughter) that in time I will get there....then hopefully by this time next year, I will be able to say that I have successfully accomplished some of those goals and kept my resolutions.
On a side note though, I do have one more personal resolution - carve out more one on one time with the girlfriends. It is great to get together with the kids and husbands etc but I am learning (especially this past year) how important that relationship with other women is for us as Moms and in general...something I know I have taken for granted and I intend not to any further. It is amazing how just sitting down for a couple of hours over a good cup of tea and talking about anything can be cleansing for the soul...something I was reminded of yesterday as I truly believe that it benefits every aspect of our lives and makes us better and stronger women and in turn..Moms.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Post Christmas...
How is it that a few days ago we were all saying "I can't believe it is Christmas in however many days" and now we are saying "I can't believe it is over"? In a way, Christmas is sort of like a wedding but one that comes and goes each and every year complete with plenty of planning, build-up, momentum and then you blink....and it is over. The gifts that were only a mere few days ago wrapped so beautifully under the tree are now unwrapped and either being used or stored in places to be used at a later date or time. The big meal of the day has been shopped for and consumed and all of the wishes and hopes that children had for Santa have come and gone...until next year.
This year though, something different happened for me. I celebrated my 33rd Christmas but on some level, I feel like I celebrated my 1st or at least the first where I really "got it". I know that last year and in some years past, the actual meaning of Christmas and the magic that it brings with it has been overshadowed by the comercialisim brought on by the retailers of the world and I have got caught up in the hubub of things which in turn made me feel almost "relieved" when 12/25 had come and gone as although I have always loved Christmas, it was almost nice to wake up and have the preassure be off.
Yesterday though, I woke up on 12/26 and wished that we were able to re-live the day before again. What happened that was different this year was a I got to see Christmas for the first time, through the eyes of my beautiful daughter and although she didn't understand what was going on and will not remember the day apart from photos and video tape that will be shown to her in years to come, I will remember it for her.
I always knew that Christmas was not about what one got or didn't get under the tree and that it was about spending time with those that we love and care for but to experience someone's Christmas with them for the first time and to know that you are a major part in making that a beautiful day is truly amazing. Even though our daughter got lots of gifts and I have since learned that one almost needs an engineering degree to wrap children's toys...we started family traditions that we hope to continue in years to come and this year, all seemed to take more time with what we did.
We opened presents slowly and spent more time actually looking at what each other got rather than just "oh, wow thanks" and then moving on to the next one. We spent longer eating our meal in part due to the baby needing her "beef and vegetables" mid-way through which gave us more time to talk and share what is going on in our lives with each other. We didn't spend the morning sleeping in as we have in years past (pre-baby) and then rushing around to get ready at the last minute and head out the door but my husband and I were up at 7:00 in the morning, showered and spending time with our little one who sat in the middle of our bed in her Christmas p.j.'s as we told her that "Santa came last night and what did her bring you" as she babbled back at us "nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh" and beamed from ear to ear. Not because it was Christmas or because there were gifts waiting downstairs but because she was just happy to be with her Mommy and Daddy in the morning and didn't really care what we did.
In other words...we relished every single moment. Was it all peace and tranquility and Norman Rockwell like??? Um...nope. On the 23rd I realized I had to go to Costco and get wipes and formula for the kiddo (oops...as we were almost completely out) and did have my patience tested there when I realized that the reason I was stuck behind a wall of people in the freezer section wasn't because it was really that busy but because I had gone at "food tasting time" and they were waiting in line for a 2x2 inch piece of a crescent roll (!!!) but, I got through it. I had to organize the babies things the afternoon before that were being taken with us and left a note by the back door of "things not to forget" which was about 7 points long and the fact that I didn't write "baby" on there is actually quite funny but in the end though...none of that mattered.
What mattered is that I will never forget the 3 of us sitting on the sofa on the afternoon of Christmas Eve reading "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and I will never forget the first time we played Santa for someone other than ourselves. I will never forget the gleam in my 6 month olds eyes as she got her first baby doll and swiflty proceeded to put the toes in her mouth or how she somehow knew just how to tear the wrapping paper off of her multitude of gifts. I will also never forget the way she looked sitting on my parents living room floor all dressed up in her sparkly dress and tights as I know it won't always be that easy and there will be years to come where getting her in a Christmas dress will be more a battle than a joy - even though this year the zipper did get stuck and it took 4 of us to finally get the thing on her.
It was that and the realization that this time last year, our little one was just that...a very little one and my husband and I stood by our tree then saying "this time next year" and only able to imagine what Christmas 2009 would bring. I thought that I could imagine the joy and wonder but I couldn't...it is like when she was born and I held her for the first time, I still can't describe it...the english language doesn't posess the words and any parent understands this. It is more than love, it is more than joy...it is the realization that there is something out there greater than any one of us and in the end...isn't that what Christmas is really all about? Family, friends, children and their first time joys giving us who have experienced this so many times before the opportunity to truly understand and appreciate it again all because of the magic that is brought on by someone or something that has a greater presence than any of us and which continues to shine through even through the smallest of wonders.....even those of a 6 month old.
This year though, something different happened for me. I celebrated my 33rd Christmas but on some level, I feel like I celebrated my 1st or at least the first where I really "got it". I know that last year and in some years past, the actual meaning of Christmas and the magic that it brings with it has been overshadowed by the comercialisim brought on by the retailers of the world and I have got caught up in the hubub of things which in turn made me feel almost "relieved" when 12/25 had come and gone as although I have always loved Christmas, it was almost nice to wake up and have the preassure be off.
Yesterday though, I woke up on 12/26 and wished that we were able to re-live the day before again. What happened that was different this year was a I got to see Christmas for the first time, through the eyes of my beautiful daughter and although she didn't understand what was going on and will not remember the day apart from photos and video tape that will be shown to her in years to come, I will remember it for her.
I always knew that Christmas was not about what one got or didn't get under the tree and that it was about spending time with those that we love and care for but to experience someone's Christmas with them for the first time and to know that you are a major part in making that a beautiful day is truly amazing. Even though our daughter got lots of gifts and I have since learned that one almost needs an engineering degree to wrap children's toys...we started family traditions that we hope to continue in years to come and this year, all seemed to take more time with what we did.
We opened presents slowly and spent more time actually looking at what each other got rather than just "oh, wow thanks" and then moving on to the next one. We spent longer eating our meal in part due to the baby needing her "beef and vegetables" mid-way through which gave us more time to talk and share what is going on in our lives with each other. We didn't spend the morning sleeping in as we have in years past (pre-baby) and then rushing around to get ready at the last minute and head out the door but my husband and I were up at 7:00 in the morning, showered and spending time with our little one who sat in the middle of our bed in her Christmas p.j.'s as we told her that "Santa came last night and what did her bring you" as she babbled back at us "nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh" and beamed from ear to ear. Not because it was Christmas or because there were gifts waiting downstairs but because she was just happy to be with her Mommy and Daddy in the morning and didn't really care what we did.
In other words...we relished every single moment. Was it all peace and tranquility and Norman Rockwell like??? Um...nope. On the 23rd I realized I had to go to Costco and get wipes and formula for the kiddo (oops...as we were almost completely out) and did have my patience tested there when I realized that the reason I was stuck behind a wall of people in the freezer section wasn't because it was really that busy but because I had gone at "food tasting time" and they were waiting in line for a 2x2 inch piece of a crescent roll (!!!) but, I got through it. I had to organize the babies things the afternoon before that were being taken with us and left a note by the back door of "things not to forget" which was about 7 points long and the fact that I didn't write "baby" on there is actually quite funny but in the end though...none of that mattered.
What mattered is that I will never forget the 3 of us sitting on the sofa on the afternoon of Christmas Eve reading "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and I will never forget the first time we played Santa for someone other than ourselves. I will never forget the gleam in my 6 month olds eyes as she got her first baby doll and swiflty proceeded to put the toes in her mouth or how she somehow knew just how to tear the wrapping paper off of her multitude of gifts. I will also never forget the way she looked sitting on my parents living room floor all dressed up in her sparkly dress and tights as I know it won't always be that easy and there will be years to come where getting her in a Christmas dress will be more a battle than a joy - even though this year the zipper did get stuck and it took 4 of us to finally get the thing on her.
It was that and the realization that this time last year, our little one was just that...a very little one and my husband and I stood by our tree then saying "this time next year" and only able to imagine what Christmas 2009 would bring. I thought that I could imagine the joy and wonder but I couldn't...it is like when she was born and I held her for the first time, I still can't describe it...the english language doesn't posess the words and any parent understands this. It is more than love, it is more than joy...it is the realization that there is something out there greater than any one of us and in the end...isn't that what Christmas is really all about? Family, friends, children and their first time joys giving us who have experienced this so many times before the opportunity to truly understand and appreciate it again all because of the magic that is brought on by someone or something that has a greater presence than any of us and which continues to shine through even through the smallest of wonders.....even those of a 6 month old.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
It's Noon...why am I just having breakfast?
Anyone who thinks that being a stay at home Mom means that you don't have anyone to answer to i.e. a boss is completely, utterly 100% wrong. You do...
This boss though, isn't sending emails, peering around your cubicle wall, dropping piles of work on your desk or (as I experienced on more than one occasion) calling you on your personal cell phone or home number over the weekend to discuss something "earth shattering"....this boss is far more demanding than any office boss I ever had. My new boss is currently 17lbs and 26 inches long. She has big blue eyes that sometimes look green or brown and has a giggle that can make me smile at any time of the day. While she is an angel most of the time, there are times (like today) where she insists that everything be done on her schedule and this includes when I am allowed to eat.
We started today, as all others with a bottle for her at 6:30 AM. I am not a morning person in the first place so getting up this early has posed an additional challenge for me personally and trying to measure out formula half bleary eyed into a bottle one handed while balancing the baby who is pulling on my hair and whining for her first "meal" of the day is always fun. Today it was even more entertaining as it wasn't until I was downstairs that I realized I had left my slippers upstairs and since our house is on a slab and it was about 19 degrees outside, our hard wood floors were cold and all I could think about was my nice warm bed upstairs so I tried to rush things and in the process knocked the bottle off the counter and all over the floor.
As we all know...formula is not cheap in fact it can be pretty damn expensive (thank God for Costco) but my first thought was "wet floor, baby, high chair on other side of room" and knew that I had to somehow get from A to B without slipping and dropping the kiddo since I was obviously not very coordinated this morning. I managed to get the baby to the highchair and scrambled on the floor for some toys to entertain her with which she swiftly proceeded to bang around a few times on her tray, drop on the floor again and then start howling for her bottle. After going through about 1/2 a roll of paper towel (how come none of them absorb like they do on the commercials?), I finally managed to get that bottle made but my feet were now thoroughly frozen from being on the cold floor for so long and wadding through the puddle sure didn't help matters.
It was then that I stopped, took a deep breath and realized that today was going to be "one of those days" and thought of how I would have handled this when I was working. Sure the situation wasn't the same but I know that I would have taken on one thing at a time and just tried to do my best. I have learned that when my daughter does have a melt down (which isn't too often) that I need to handle it in the way that I would have any of my old managers....while it might not seem earth shattering to me personally, it obviously was to them or to her and therefore it is important. On days like this, I am thankful that I know how to multi-task as there is no other job like motherhood that will impart this skill which all women seem to have ingrained in them..whether we know it or not.
So, after the bottle disaster, feeding the baby her oatmeal, having play-time and story-time on the floor and 2 or 3 diaper changes along with an outfit change for her it is now noon and I am finally having breakfast. Granted, I did manage to squeeze in a shower somewhere and threw on a mostly clean pair of sweat pants and sweat shirt (notice I didn't say they matched) and inhaled a handful of apricots at about 8:30 AM...I am now sitting down for a bran muffin and cup of coffee from Mexico which makes me think of me and my husband's last vacation (pre-baby) to Puerto Vallarta. If I close my eyes I can almost see myself there, smell the salt air and feel the sand between my toes which is great but when I open them I see the toys on the floor, the Christmas Tree lit in the corner, hear my daughter breathing through the monitor and find that the reality is far better than the trip down memory lane.
As I sip the remaining few drops of my coffee, I think about what the afternoon will bring and look forward to seeing my daughters smiling face again once she awakens but for now I will enjoy this time that I have to myself..watch the snow outside, listen to the new Andrea Bocelli Christmas c.d. and be happy that this time I remembered my slippers! :-)
This boss though, isn't sending emails, peering around your cubicle wall, dropping piles of work on your desk or (as I experienced on more than one occasion) calling you on your personal cell phone or home number over the weekend to discuss something "earth shattering"....this boss is far more demanding than any office boss I ever had. My new boss is currently 17lbs and 26 inches long. She has big blue eyes that sometimes look green or brown and has a giggle that can make me smile at any time of the day. While she is an angel most of the time, there are times (like today) where she insists that everything be done on her schedule and this includes when I am allowed to eat.
We started today, as all others with a bottle for her at 6:30 AM. I am not a morning person in the first place so getting up this early has posed an additional challenge for me personally and trying to measure out formula half bleary eyed into a bottle one handed while balancing the baby who is pulling on my hair and whining for her first "meal" of the day is always fun. Today it was even more entertaining as it wasn't until I was downstairs that I realized I had left my slippers upstairs and since our house is on a slab and it was about 19 degrees outside, our hard wood floors were cold and all I could think about was my nice warm bed upstairs so I tried to rush things and in the process knocked the bottle off the counter and all over the floor.
As we all know...formula is not cheap in fact it can be pretty damn expensive (thank God for Costco) but my first thought was "wet floor, baby, high chair on other side of room" and knew that I had to somehow get from A to B without slipping and dropping the kiddo since I was obviously not very coordinated this morning. I managed to get the baby to the highchair and scrambled on the floor for some toys to entertain her with which she swiftly proceeded to bang around a few times on her tray, drop on the floor again and then start howling for her bottle. After going through about 1/2 a roll of paper towel (how come none of them absorb like they do on the commercials?), I finally managed to get that bottle made but my feet were now thoroughly frozen from being on the cold floor for so long and wadding through the puddle sure didn't help matters.
It was then that I stopped, took a deep breath and realized that today was going to be "one of those days" and thought of how I would have handled this when I was working. Sure the situation wasn't the same but I know that I would have taken on one thing at a time and just tried to do my best. I have learned that when my daughter does have a melt down (which isn't too often) that I need to handle it in the way that I would have any of my old managers....while it might not seem earth shattering to me personally, it obviously was to them or to her and therefore it is important. On days like this, I am thankful that I know how to multi-task as there is no other job like motherhood that will impart this skill which all women seem to have ingrained in them..whether we know it or not.
So, after the bottle disaster, feeding the baby her oatmeal, having play-time and story-time on the floor and 2 or 3 diaper changes along with an outfit change for her it is now noon and I am finally having breakfast. Granted, I did manage to squeeze in a shower somewhere and threw on a mostly clean pair of sweat pants and sweat shirt (notice I didn't say they matched) and inhaled a handful of apricots at about 8:30 AM...I am now sitting down for a bran muffin and cup of coffee from Mexico which makes me think of me and my husband's last vacation (pre-baby) to Puerto Vallarta. If I close my eyes I can almost see myself there, smell the salt air and feel the sand between my toes which is great but when I open them I see the toys on the floor, the Christmas Tree lit in the corner, hear my daughter breathing through the monitor and find that the reality is far better than the trip down memory lane.
As I sip the remaining few drops of my coffee, I think about what the afternoon will bring and look forward to seeing my daughters smiling face again once she awakens but for now I will enjoy this time that I have to myself..watch the snow outside, listen to the new Andrea Bocelli Christmas c.d. and be happy that this time I remembered my slippers! :-)
Monday, December 21, 2009
Here goes nothing...
I thought about starting a blog a couple of years ago but was working over 40 hours a week and felt that there wasn't enough time. Then I was going to do this seven and a half months ago when I was at home and eight months pregnant but found that I was too tired to even contemplate this thought. The next time I considered this was just after my daughter was born in June of this year but let's face it..between being a first time Mom, sleep deprivation and recovering from a c-section it wasn't going to happen then either! So, it is 12/21/2009 and when do I finally decide to get my act in gear and do this...4 days before Christmas!
(some might say that is "crazy" but I would tell you that I have 2 hours of free time on my hands and I am squeezing this in between dinner, bed-time and making mince pies...still to be done)
December has always been an insane time of year between shopping, baking and writing Christmas cards but this year, my husband and I found ourselves also taking professional family photos (at the mall..on Black Friday - not sure what I was thinking) as we had to have the first photo Christmas card sent out, attempting to start Christmas traditions, shopping at Toys R Us and trying to keep the "magic of Christmas" magical for our little ones first Christmas so it only makes complete sense that I decide to start this now. Yeah..right. :-)
Any woman who stays home with her child all day will tell you that being a stay at home Mom isn't luxurious and that if you keep putting things off...they will never happen so it is just best to go ahead and do them. They will also tell you that you will work harder, be more exhausted and potentially more forgetful (at least initially) during the first few months of being home with your new bundle of joy and that there will be times that you will wonder just exactly where the "joy" portion of this statement is supposed to be found. What you get to find out though is that with all of this comes something incredible which is that you are taking care of someone that you created and experiencing new and amazing things everyday that you otherwise would not be able to.
My attempt with this blog is to post my thoughts and experiences as someone who worked in corporate America for many years before having her first child and who now finds herself at home on a full-time basis. I no longer run to meetings or take conference calls, meet deadlines or land big accounts instead....I fill bottles, change diapers, visit Costco on a regular basis and find myself playing "peek-a-boo" more often than I realize. My life is very, very different than it was this time last year when I was just 4 months pregnant and waiting for our little one to arrive all the while day dreaming about what our first Christmas as a family would be like.
We still have 4 days to go before that actually happens and while some of the things that I wanted to ensure that we did, will get done...most probably won't and will have to be included in Christmas's to come (or perhaps next year!). With all of the joy though, there are some days where I do stop...take a look at my new reality and ache for my days in corporate America...which I now know is somewhat normal.
So, to all of you other new Mom's out there (or soon to be Mom's) I look forward to sharing some of what I hope are humorous stories with you of my experiences since being home, along with adventures yet to come. On that note, I hear someone calling for me over the monitor and better go....
(some might say that is "crazy" but I would tell you that I have 2 hours of free time on my hands and I am squeezing this in between dinner, bed-time and making mince pies...still to be done)
December has always been an insane time of year between shopping, baking and writing Christmas cards but this year, my husband and I found ourselves also taking professional family photos (at the mall..on Black Friday - not sure what I was thinking) as we had to have the first photo Christmas card sent out, attempting to start Christmas traditions, shopping at Toys R Us and trying to keep the "magic of Christmas" magical for our little ones first Christmas so it only makes complete sense that I decide to start this now. Yeah..right. :-)
Any woman who stays home with her child all day will tell you that being a stay at home Mom isn't luxurious and that if you keep putting things off...they will never happen so it is just best to go ahead and do them. They will also tell you that you will work harder, be more exhausted and potentially more forgetful (at least initially) during the first few months of being home with your new bundle of joy and that there will be times that you will wonder just exactly where the "joy" portion of this statement is supposed to be found. What you get to find out though is that with all of this comes something incredible which is that you are taking care of someone that you created and experiencing new and amazing things everyday that you otherwise would not be able to.
My attempt with this blog is to post my thoughts and experiences as someone who worked in corporate America for many years before having her first child and who now finds herself at home on a full-time basis. I no longer run to meetings or take conference calls, meet deadlines or land big accounts instead....I fill bottles, change diapers, visit Costco on a regular basis and find myself playing "peek-a-boo" more often than I realize. My life is very, very different than it was this time last year when I was just 4 months pregnant and waiting for our little one to arrive all the while day dreaming about what our first Christmas as a family would be like.
We still have 4 days to go before that actually happens and while some of the things that I wanted to ensure that we did, will get done...most probably won't and will have to be included in Christmas's to come (or perhaps next year!). With all of the joy though, there are some days where I do stop...take a look at my new reality and ache for my days in corporate America...which I now know is somewhat normal.
So, to all of you other new Mom's out there (or soon to be Mom's) I look forward to sharing some of what I hope are humorous stories with you of my experiences since being home, along with adventures yet to come. On that note, I hear someone calling for me over the monitor and better go....
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