In becoming a Mother, I never thought that the early days of this journey would have taught me so much or changed me so much. 17 months ago, I was a rather different person to who I am now but it is only now over the course of the past 6-8 weeks, that I have felt as if my eyes are beginning to open up to who it is that I really have the potential to be.
I am starting to feel as if our lives are finally starting to calm down around here for the first time since our little bundle (not so much of a bundle anymore) came into the world. My life no longer seems to revolve around a constant barage of mounting laundry due to spit-up stained clothes and the general day to day mess of caring for an infant. We have far less sleepless nights now than we did during those initial early days (thank goodness as I am someone who needs my sleep) and I find that we have settled into somewhat of a routine and balance between our play group, running errands, visiting friends and spending time with family.
At the moment, I feel as if I am only just coming out of the post-baby fog that I have had my head in for many months. It is as if I am finally able to stand up straight, shake my head, wipe the grit out of my eyes and look at the world around me for the first time in over a year. Part of this is because since I had my baby, I have been on a mission to lose not only the baby weight that I had gained but also the additional weight that I had been carrying around prior to even becoming pregnant.
The battle of the scale is one that I have fought for many, many years. I have been up and I have been down. At my heaviest, I was a size 22 and I still have the pants to prove it. Now though, after successfully losing around 80lbs I feel as if I am finally winning at this fight that I have been in with myself both mentally, emotionally and physically however the person who has emerged from this weight loss process is not the person who began it.
I feel lighter in more ways than just one and I feel as if my view on things going on around me is clearer. I am different now not only in the way that I dress but also in the level of confidence that I have and how it is that I choose to express this. Having my daughter was the catalyst that I needed for so many years to make me really decided to step foot on this path and to once and for all stick with it. I have had to mentally learn to view my relationship with food not as a "diet" but as "lifestyle". I joined Weight Watchers and have to admit that it saved me...from myself and more importantly has hopefully helped to guarantee that my daughter will have her Mother around for a very, very long time to come.
For me, being 5ft 4" tall and as size 22 was far from healthy no matter how much I tried to tell myself that "I was fine" or that "This is how I was meant to be" and it is only now that I look back at the person who I was then and see just how much of myself I was hiding from the world. I look at my wedding photos and barely recognize the person starting back at me as ME because that person is not who I see now when I look in the mirror.
When I started on this journey to live a healthier life and lose the weight, I never thought that it would impact my life in the way that it has. Yes, I knew there would be changes physically and that I would have to buy new clothes (yay!) but I never knew that it would affect things such as my friendships with those that I have known for many years. I never thought that by losing the weight, I would want to live an overall better life not only by what I put in my mouth but also by making smarter decisions on the sorts of personalities that I choose to surround myself with. I know that in life, there is an ebb and flow to all relationships but for me some of the decisions I have had to make in regards to these relations has not been easy as I have felt guilty about changing as a person and wanting to experience new things or do things that I have not done in so many years only because I was not physically able to do so.
Carrying around so much extra weight for me was like dragging a semi-truck behind me and the more loaded that the cargo space became, the worse I felt about myself. Now though, I no longer feel this way and I know that is because I have been able to unhook myself from this albatross and metaphorically, leave it by the side of the road.
Due to this, I am not 100% sure anymore which direction this blog will be going in. Will be the writings of a Mother going through Toddler-hood for the first time or those of a woman discovering new things about her life now that a page has been turned and a new chapter started? Will it be a sort of journal between who I was and who I am now with a few Toddler related bantterings thrown in for good measure? Who knows. Or, will it be a combination of all of this and with that being said, the start of something else new in my life? Perhaps....
What I do know though as I look at the time and realize how late it is that tomorrow is another day and that I am looking forward to experiencing something new. I look forward to spending time with good friends and spending time with my daughter...even if she is far more interested in either Elmo, Ernie or Grover at the moment rather than the changes occurring in her Mother's life at the moment and her own positive affect in this area....
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Times flying...
Wow! It has been a long time since I did any writing on this blog. Seems that I unintentionally went on hiatus for the summer and now that it will officially be fall as of later on this evening that is it back to attempting to document my thoughts as a new Mom.
New Mom....15.5 months later, that term seems almost foreign to me as I am not sure if I can even be considered a "New Mom" anymore. I am definitely learning new things each and every day and doing my best to overcome daily challenges with my daughter but the term "New Mom" isn't necessarily how I would describe myself any longer. In a way, they should perhaps have different levels of Mommy-hood, kind of like how they do with swimming lessons. However instead of moving from Guppie to Goldfish to Dolphin and you could move from "Sleep-deprived Mom" to "Chasing after a crawler Mom" to "In teething hell Mama" and so on. Wouldn't it be nice if being a Mom came with those sorts of tangible milestones and ones that we could look back on or cross off of a "to-do" list. Wouldn't it be nice if being a Mom meant having something physical that you could touch or wear on your chest as a badge of honor to say "Yes! I accomplished that". Sort of like a merit badge in bright colors with sparkles or an award given to Moms for successfully potty training their toddlers? Would be nice.
However, what I have learned in the past 15.5 months is that being a Mom does not come with those sorts of physical rewards. I will never get a raise or bonus for teaching my daughter how to hold her toothbrush or for successfully pulling sticky bits of peanut butter out of her hair. I will never get a special parking space one month for teaching her that it is NOT o.k. to try and flush ones books down the toilet or any extra words of commendation for showing her how sharing is good and explaining over and over that it is not nice to pinch someone while saying "ow" to them. And you know what? I am o.k. with that.
I feel that in the past 15.5 months and in particular over the course of the past 3 months or so that I have come into my own more as a Mom. I find that I question some of my decisions less and that I am learning to trust in my instincts and my gut feeling more. I have learned that being a Mom really is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week, 365 day a year job. One never gets to take a vacation from being "Mommy" and even when you ARE on vacation, you are still Mommy - especially if they are with you. It will never be quite as easy (at least not for a very long time) for us to just jump in the car and "go" and that is also fine because I know that no matter where I am at any given moment, that I will always be a Mom....and being a Mom to my little monkey in particular is one of the greatest gifts and most amazing surprises that I could have never imagined.
New Mom....15.5 months later, that term seems almost foreign to me as I am not sure if I can even be considered a "New Mom" anymore. I am definitely learning new things each and every day and doing my best to overcome daily challenges with my daughter but the term "New Mom" isn't necessarily how I would describe myself any longer. In a way, they should perhaps have different levels of Mommy-hood, kind of like how they do with swimming lessons. However instead of moving from Guppie to Goldfish to Dolphin and you could move from "Sleep-deprived Mom" to "Chasing after a crawler Mom" to "In teething hell Mama" and so on. Wouldn't it be nice if being a Mom came with those sorts of tangible milestones and ones that we could look back on or cross off of a "to-do" list. Wouldn't it be nice if being a Mom meant having something physical that you could touch or wear on your chest as a badge of honor to say "Yes! I accomplished that". Sort of like a merit badge in bright colors with sparkles or an award given to Moms for successfully potty training their toddlers? Would be nice.
However, what I have learned in the past 15.5 months is that being a Mom does not come with those sorts of physical rewards. I will never get a raise or bonus for teaching my daughter how to hold her toothbrush or for successfully pulling sticky bits of peanut butter out of her hair. I will never get a special parking space one month for teaching her that it is NOT o.k. to try and flush ones books down the toilet or any extra words of commendation for showing her how sharing is good and explaining over and over that it is not nice to pinch someone while saying "ow" to them. And you know what? I am o.k. with that.
I feel that in the past 15.5 months and in particular over the course of the past 3 months or so that I have come into my own more as a Mom. I find that I question some of my decisions less and that I am learning to trust in my instincts and my gut feeling more. I have learned that being a Mom really is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week, 365 day a year job. One never gets to take a vacation from being "Mommy" and even when you ARE on vacation, you are still Mommy - especially if they are with you. It will never be quite as easy (at least not for a very long time) for us to just jump in the car and "go" and that is also fine because I know that no matter where I am at any given moment, that I will always be a Mom....and being a Mom to my little monkey in particular is one of the greatest gifts and most amazing surprises that I could have never imagined.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Mama doesn't get a sick day...
Whenever I started a new job, one of the first things I would is check out the vacation policy, personal time off and sick days. At my last place of employment, I got 5 sick and personal days...yes, they were kind enough to combine them in one lump for us. At the time, I remember thinking how unfair this was and that we really should be able to split them up or get more.
Flash forward 4.5 years from the last time I began working for an organization to this past Sunday when my husband and I both came down with some sort of horrible stomach bug within about 5 hours of each other. This was the first time that I have really been sick since having our daughter almost a year ago and boy was I not fully prepared for the ramifications of this.
I was in the habit of being able to take care of me first i.e. lots of sleep and not much else. Not with a baby and especially not with a baby who contracted her own fun-filled version of this tummy bug herself. Initially, I got sick then the baby and then my husband came down with what I had all within 24 hours of each other. We think we know where we picked it up however one can never be truly sure however it is not the first time we have come away from this particular place and either myself or my husband come down with a cold or stomach bug 2-3 days later.
Last Sunday was a very long day in which my husband and I took care of the little one in shifts who apart from her tummy issues was otherwise perfectly happy...thank God. However it didn't matter that we weren't feeling well, she still wanted to play or needed this that and the other and of course we had to take care of her first. Coincidentally, this was also the same day where she really began to stand and pull herself up on her own so it was also an afternoon spent putting things away and out of the "wee ones" reach. It is amazing how long those little arms get once they are standing!
Come Monday, we weren't much better off however I seemed to get the brunt of it so even though the hubby stayed home from work he kindly did the lions share of the work that day. My daughter and I then spent the rest of our week in a sort of cave like environment in the house waiting until she ready to be taken back out into the world again. It was a beautiful week - warm and sunny and we had several playdates and outings planned which had to be cancelled due to the nasty bug that had invaded our world.
After several days of fighting her to take fluids - no to Pedialyte - yes to Gatorade and to be taken off of the BRAT diet we thought we had cleared the hurdle on Thursday only to wake up Friday morning and realize "mmmmm...not so much" So, again our plans were cancelled and it is only today, Saturday that we finally got to return to the land of the living!
It is at a time like this when I am really glad to be a SAHM and be able to fully devote 100% of my day to her to ensure that she is well. Sure there were times when I was bored out of my mind (spent a lot of time online emailing and on FB) and the day to day tasks became incredibly mundane. However there were pluses as well, my house is now super duper clean, I finally got the guest room reorganized and we moved the baby's room around. I also relearned the enjoyment of being on our patio and how nice it is sometimes just to sit and read a book.
Things that I would not have been able to do had I otherwise been working as I would have been worried about taking time off etc. It's funny - even when she is sick, this little one is teaching me to appreciate my life as it is now and how lucky I really am.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
338 days young
Today, I realized that in a mere 27 days my beautiful baby girl will be a year old. Of course, I am actually fully aware that her birthday is June 1st as I was obviously there for this miraculous occasion but to know that she is closer in age to actually being a year old...celebrating a birthday than just 3, 6 or even 9 months makes me sit back and reflect.
People always tell you when you are pregnant "The time will fly" or "Before you know it she (or he) will be in college" however hearing those things and experiencing them first hand..is slightly different. College is still a long way off, but if the next few years go by as fast or (gasp) faster than this one did, I will literally feel like I blinked and probably wonder where the years went. Perhaps that is why I treasure each and every moment with my precious baby girl.
11 months old is an amazing age! She is way past the point of just needing to be held and cuddled all of the time (although we still have our moments) and she is also much easier to communicate with these days than even a mere 3 months ago. Now when she wants or needs something she points or cries out in a way that we know to mean "bottle", "tired" or "play". She is very independent and does not like you to do anything for her and looks at you with a furrowed brow when you do. At the same time though, she loves to laugh - is such a happy baby and has the most amazing giggle of anyone that I know.
Our little one is learning new things each and every day and I love to sit and watch her just watching the world going on around her. For example, today was a gorgeous sunny day here in Chicago and she and I sat out on our patio where she sat in awe of the leaves blowing in the tree overhead. Every time the wind passed through them her little eyes got wide and she smiled and giggled in appreciation of both the sight and sound. She would then look at me, point up at the tree and say "Mama" as if to say "Look Mama, look...isn't it wonderful!"
Least that is what I tell myself that my genius 11 month old was trying to say to me :-)
Our little Monkey, as we have been calling her since before she was born is becoming quite the adventurer and getting into more and more mischief every day. Just when I think I have moved something far enough away from her little hands she tricks me by learning to stand up by herself with the use of whatever piece of furniture is handy and then half hurling, half launching herself over to whatever it is that she wants to see. Inevitably, she ends up getting what it is and we then have to play the "no" game. It also doesn't matter what it is that she wants, if she gets it...it goes in the mouth. Paper, twigs, grass, old Cheerios that she has dropped on the floor and that have somehow gone under the kitchen rug are dug out and promptly placed in her open mouth. I have had to quickly get over the fear of her biting me with her sharp little teeth (all 6 of them) so as to pry the offending object out of her jaws.
Speaking of jaws, my husband and I have nicknamed out little angel.."The Vampire". She is going through a bit of a biting phase at the moment and it is something that neither of us is really thrilled with however we are doing our best to curtail it as we obviously do not want her to be the child at playgroup or elsewhere to all of a sudden haul off and chomp on another innocent child's arm. As a SAHM, I have quickly learned that Playgroup Bullies are not looked on favorably and nor is the Mother who seems unable to control her child...or at least reprimand them in some manner. Therefore, we are trying to figure out the correct way to discipline an 11 month old as she leans into your shoulder for what we think is a cuddle only to find out that the jaws are open and she is going for our shoulders. This happens moreso when she is really tired and seems to be a sign that it is time for bed, however it is not a habit I want her to have when she is 16 and as she is far too young to have seen the "Twilight" series and I don't actually believe is part Vampire...then it is a habit that we have to nip in the bud...no pun intended.
The coolest thing though these days in the eyes of this particular 11 month old...doors. She likes to crawl behind them and swing them open and closed...open and closed...open and closed to the point where I am truly begining to wonder how she hasn't jammed her fingers yet? Or worse...when will she and how many tears will there be? We had our first bleeding incident a few weeks ago where she crawled across the bathroom floor, slid on her knee and landed face first on the tile. She bit her lip and well, you can imagine the rest. I think she was more upset because of my reaction and although I didn't cry (yay Mom!) I am sure that the look of panic in my eyes didn't help matters one bit. So, I can only live in semi-fear of the day when the little fingers do get jammed in the door and in the meantime am learning to live in a world of closed openings.
Of course, we could probably go to one of the many baby stores and buy some handy dandy - "didn't know we needed this" type of gadget that would prevent the child from playing with the doors however I refuse to get sucked into this marketing scheme. My husband and I went to Babies R Us and stood in front of the wall (yes, wall!) of household baby proofing "necessities" and proceeded to get completely confused by door locks, cabinet latches, electrical outlet covers (who knew there were 10 different kinds..an outlet is an outlet, right?) and coffee table corner pads. We finally walked out of the store with the outlet covers, some cabinet latches and a couple of larger two sided entertainment door clasp thingies (I believe that IS the technical name) but talked the whole way home about the other ridiculous items on sale for this purpose. Door knob and oven knob covers baffled me as my thought was that by the time the child is old enough to reach either of these things, she should either know what to do with them or know not to turn on the gas. Toilet seat locks...that just sounds dangerous in the middle of the night. Fridge locks? Now, unless she is swinging from the handle of the fridge - I really don't think this is going to be a problem.
We came away realizing that corporations have some people believing that they literally have to pad their entire homes in order to have an infant/toddler but our thought was "she has to go out into the real world someday and that isn't padded necessarily for her comfort or safety - so why go to extremes now?" It also in all honesty, makes ME wonder if we are raising a generation of wimpy kids. I believe that children should be able to touch and explore within reason (as long as it isn't dangerous) as this is the only way that they will learn. I believe that safety is all well and good and that yes, certain precautions should be taken but when I look at the world my sister and I grew up in and that of everyone else from my generation and prior...well, it is a wonder we all survived compared to the semi-padded/pampered world that some of these kids are living in today. I for one, refuse to raise a wimpy kid.
However, with that being said..338 days into parenthood I have realized that I do worry more, I am more cautious and that I put her wants and needs before my own on a regular basis. I am not quite sure when this actually occurred since the first 3 months of her life are pretty much a blur for me but somewhere along the lines, I stopped being so selfish and learned that it really isn't just about me, me, me anymore or even me and my husband it is about her and us..as a family. 339 days ago, I didn't realize that my world had a whole in it..that is until she came along the next day and filled that space and has been filling it ever since.
Each day brings new things to learn, new experiences to have and the possibility of new friends to make. She and I have made some wonderful friends for both of us already through the various groups that we belong to and at times, we Mom's just sit and watch out little ones interact with each other. It is amazing how long you can sit on the grass and just watch them discover new things by themselves and with each other. How they interact at this age and how already, they are beginning to get into all sorts of mischief together. Just give some of them (including our daughter) a year and the antics will seem to some to be complete chaos. Perhaps they will be..but something tells me that for me and the other Moms that I know that we won't see it that way, we will probably see it as another wonderful stage in the development in our children and continue to (at least on occasion) sit back and wonder and marvel.
For now though, I am holding on to every previous minute of the remaining 27 days as I know my little ones first year will never come again. That these "firsts" are just that and that once they are done and repeated and repeated that they are no longer firsts and will at that point be life skills. Therefore, I document everything that I can in her baby book and through photography and video almost to the point of exhaustion. The first year is precious (as are all of the ones to come) as it contains so many milestones that I want her to have a timeline of them in years to come...at least that is what I tell myself. In reality though, I think it is more for me...so that I won't forget and so that in years to come, I can look back and see my precious baby girl as she is now and in some way experience all of those "firsts"...again.
People always tell you when you are pregnant "The time will fly" or "Before you know it she (or he) will be in college" however hearing those things and experiencing them first hand..is slightly different. College is still a long way off, but if the next few years go by as fast or (gasp) faster than this one did, I will literally feel like I blinked and probably wonder where the years went. Perhaps that is why I treasure each and every moment with my precious baby girl.
11 months old is an amazing age! She is way past the point of just needing to be held and cuddled all of the time (although we still have our moments) and she is also much easier to communicate with these days than even a mere 3 months ago. Now when she wants or needs something she points or cries out in a way that we know to mean "bottle", "tired" or "play". She is very independent and does not like you to do anything for her and looks at you with a furrowed brow when you do. At the same time though, she loves to laugh - is such a happy baby and has the most amazing giggle of anyone that I know.
Our little one is learning new things each and every day and I love to sit and watch her just watching the world going on around her. For example, today was a gorgeous sunny day here in Chicago and she and I sat out on our patio where she sat in awe of the leaves blowing in the tree overhead. Every time the wind passed through them her little eyes got wide and she smiled and giggled in appreciation of both the sight and sound. She would then look at me, point up at the tree and say "Mama" as if to say "Look Mama, look...isn't it wonderful!"
Least that is what I tell myself that my genius 11 month old was trying to say to me :-)
Our little Monkey, as we have been calling her since before she was born is becoming quite the adventurer and getting into more and more mischief every day. Just when I think I have moved something far enough away from her little hands she tricks me by learning to stand up by herself with the use of whatever piece of furniture is handy and then half hurling, half launching herself over to whatever it is that she wants to see. Inevitably, she ends up getting what it is and we then have to play the "no" game. It also doesn't matter what it is that she wants, if she gets it...it goes in the mouth. Paper, twigs, grass, old Cheerios that she has dropped on the floor and that have somehow gone under the kitchen rug are dug out and promptly placed in her open mouth. I have had to quickly get over the fear of her biting me with her sharp little teeth (all 6 of them) so as to pry the offending object out of her jaws.
Speaking of jaws, my husband and I have nicknamed out little angel.."The Vampire". She is going through a bit of a biting phase at the moment and it is something that neither of us is really thrilled with however we are doing our best to curtail it as we obviously do not want her to be the child at playgroup or elsewhere to all of a sudden haul off and chomp on another innocent child's arm. As a SAHM, I have quickly learned that Playgroup Bullies are not looked on favorably and nor is the Mother who seems unable to control her child...or at least reprimand them in some manner. Therefore, we are trying to figure out the correct way to discipline an 11 month old as she leans into your shoulder for what we think is a cuddle only to find out that the jaws are open and she is going for our shoulders. This happens moreso when she is really tired and seems to be a sign that it is time for bed, however it is not a habit I want her to have when she is 16 and as she is far too young to have seen the "Twilight" series and I don't actually believe is part Vampire...then it is a habit that we have to nip in the bud...no pun intended.
The coolest thing though these days in the eyes of this particular 11 month old...doors. She likes to crawl behind them and swing them open and closed...open and closed...open and closed to the point where I am truly begining to wonder how she hasn't jammed her fingers yet? Or worse...when will she and how many tears will there be? We had our first bleeding incident a few weeks ago where she crawled across the bathroom floor, slid on her knee and landed face first on the tile. She bit her lip and well, you can imagine the rest. I think she was more upset because of my reaction and although I didn't cry (yay Mom!) I am sure that the look of panic in my eyes didn't help matters one bit. So, I can only live in semi-fear of the day when the little fingers do get jammed in the door and in the meantime am learning to live in a world of closed openings.
Of course, we could probably go to one of the many baby stores and buy some handy dandy - "didn't know we needed this" type of gadget that would prevent the child from playing with the doors however I refuse to get sucked into this marketing scheme. My husband and I went to Babies R Us and stood in front of the wall (yes, wall!) of household baby proofing "necessities" and proceeded to get completely confused by door locks, cabinet latches, electrical outlet covers (who knew there were 10 different kinds..an outlet is an outlet, right?) and coffee table corner pads. We finally walked out of the store with the outlet covers, some cabinet latches and a couple of larger two sided entertainment door clasp thingies (I believe that IS the technical name) but talked the whole way home about the other ridiculous items on sale for this purpose. Door knob and oven knob covers baffled me as my thought was that by the time the child is old enough to reach either of these things, she should either know what to do with them or know not to turn on the gas. Toilet seat locks...that just sounds dangerous in the middle of the night. Fridge locks? Now, unless she is swinging from the handle of the fridge - I really don't think this is going to be a problem.
We came away realizing that corporations have some people believing that they literally have to pad their entire homes in order to have an infant/toddler but our thought was "she has to go out into the real world someday and that isn't padded necessarily for her comfort or safety - so why go to extremes now?" It also in all honesty, makes ME wonder if we are raising a generation of wimpy kids. I believe that children should be able to touch and explore within reason (as long as it isn't dangerous) as this is the only way that they will learn. I believe that safety is all well and good and that yes, certain precautions should be taken but when I look at the world my sister and I grew up in and that of everyone else from my generation and prior...well, it is a wonder we all survived compared to the semi-padded/pampered world that some of these kids are living in today. I for one, refuse to raise a wimpy kid.
However, with that being said..338 days into parenthood I have realized that I do worry more, I am more cautious and that I put her wants and needs before my own on a regular basis. I am not quite sure when this actually occurred since the first 3 months of her life are pretty much a blur for me but somewhere along the lines, I stopped being so selfish and learned that it really isn't just about me, me, me anymore or even me and my husband it is about her and us..as a family. 339 days ago, I didn't realize that my world had a whole in it..that is until she came along the next day and filled that space and has been filling it ever since.
Each day brings new things to learn, new experiences to have and the possibility of new friends to make. She and I have made some wonderful friends for both of us already through the various groups that we belong to and at times, we Mom's just sit and watch out little ones interact with each other. It is amazing how long you can sit on the grass and just watch them discover new things by themselves and with each other. How they interact at this age and how already, they are beginning to get into all sorts of mischief together. Just give some of them (including our daughter) a year and the antics will seem to some to be complete chaos. Perhaps they will be..but something tells me that for me and the other Moms that I know that we won't see it that way, we will probably see it as another wonderful stage in the development in our children and continue to (at least on occasion) sit back and wonder and marvel.
For now though, I am holding on to every previous minute of the remaining 27 days as I know my little ones first year will never come again. That these "firsts" are just that and that once they are done and repeated and repeated that they are no longer firsts and will at that point be life skills. Therefore, I document everything that I can in her baby book and through photography and video almost to the point of exhaustion. The first year is precious (as are all of the ones to come) as it contains so many milestones that I want her to have a timeline of them in years to come...at least that is what I tell myself. In reality though, I think it is more for me...so that I won't forget and so that in years to come, I can look back and see my precious baby girl as she is now and in some way experience all of those "firsts"...again.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
SAHM
SAHM...an acronym that I had no idea existed until after I had my daughter and is not someone that I thought I would ever be and nor did I intend to. SAHM is used on websites, by bloggers and in general day to day internet lingo (typically by women) and in reference to a particular aspect of ones life. SAHM means Stay At Home Mom and is something that for me, was hard to swallow, partially out of my comprehension and not something I planned for.
I didn't have difficulty understanding this because I didn't know any Stay at Home Mom's..quite the opposite. In fact, I am the product of a woman who stayed home with her children while her husband worked. Growing up, I felt this had it's pluses and it's minuses however it was not something that I aspired to be. Not because I thought any less of my Mother for not being a career woman but because I grew up thinking that I had to "have it all" or could do better by "having it all".
Having it all can be viewed in many different ways and varies depending on whom you are speaking to. To some, it means having a high-powered job and lots of very expensive material things, To others it means having less material objects and being more spiritually connected. Then there are those like me, who felt that having it all meant being both Career Woman and Mother and thinking that I could somehow give 100% in both areas. I believed it would be relatively easy to balance both of these things especially since I would be able to put my baby into daycare Monday through Friday and then really only have to parent in the evening and weekends. Keep in mind, this is back before I really had a full understanding of sleep deprivation or just how long it takes an infant ready to go out or how what seem to be the most simple of tasks can take forever to complete due to constant interuptions. In my head, I knew that I would still be a Mom while I was at work but that there would be someone else taking care of my child and felt that this would somehow make things easier or "ease the burden".
How naive I was. How little did I truly understand about the bond between Mother and Child. How immature and selfish of me to think in this manner. How did I not know then that when push came to shove and the thought of this was more than just that and a reality that what I had always believed and thought to be true would be tested. I didn't know that sheer possibility of this would (and still does) make me feel physically nauseous or make my heart hurt so much that I was in tears. I have never been much of a crier but since the birth of my daughter I have found that I can cry very easily at some things and ones that I never would have before...and then there are those that are unexpected and that catch me off guard. However that is now and this was then...
Still though, I wasn't ready to comprehend being a SAHM. In my mind, Stay at Home Mom's were women who had worked at some point but then decided not to pursue their careers further after their children were born out of some basic human instinct. In my mind, I didn't view those women as having a "job" and although I knew they were raising children to be good law-abiding citizens and successful adults I felt that they were somehow (and I am ashamed to admit)...yes, less. Less than someone like me because they had bought into some 1960's "Donna Reed" stereo-type that this is what they had to do. I pictured them at home cleaning house, doing dishes, folding laundry, watching the odd soap opera here and there and then driving the kids to and from school and then on to what after-school activity there might be for that particular day all to come home and cook dinner for their husband who was out in what I deemed as "the real world". I never realized that not only did they still have jobs but they were doing the hardest job in the world, making the least amount of money for it and that it was a 24/7 position. There are no nights, no weekends, no vacations and very few breaks for the SAHM in fact and as others have said before she is CEO of the family and perhaps this sort of position can't be given a monetary earnings figure because it is still so far out of the understanding of many...including who I was.
They say (whoever "they" are) that "life is what happens while you are busy making other plans" and that is what was happening to me in spring 2009. Not only was life growing inside of me during the times when I was still insisting that I had to have it all but it was changing all around me. The economy was suffering and the company I worked for was collapsing around me. Many times, I felt like I was on a sinking ship and before it all came to head and tipped from one end to the other and finally settled down into the murky abyss I remember wondering where my life preserver was and how we would "survive" things. Although, we saw it coming (the owners, my colleagues and even my husband and I)...we didn't really think it would and therefore we went on with the plan to find appropriate daycare for our yet unborn child.
In mid-April 2009, I sat in the living room of the woman that we were considering to look after our child. She herself was a SAHM who had been an Accountant in her pre-Mommy days but who was now home with her daughter and son and wanted to bring on a child during the day to care for as extra income for her family. I sat there thinking "wow, she's really nice and seems like she is pretty intelligent...how come she can't seem to get a job doing something else besides this?" In other words "how come she can't get a "real" job".
I write this and sit here shaking my head as I now know that this wonderful woman wasn't settling for "less" she was trying to do more for her family without making her children have to go without less time with their Mother. In other words and in her own way...she also was trying to have it all but without giving up what was truly important to her. In a way, she was a bigger person than I as she wasn't willing to sacrifice what was true in her heart and soul just for a much larger bank account, bigger house or nicer cars. She realized that what her children would value most about their childhoods in years to come would not be the material things but the actual time they got with their Mother, the things she taught them and the emotional connection they shared.
I am not bashing daycare providers or those that choose to or have to put their children into these types of facilities...we almost went down that path but while we were planning to do this, our life was changing around us and it wasn't until about three months ago that I began to come to this understanding and ultimately realize the profound affect it had on my life. It has taken a series of events in our personal life to have me become a Stay at Home Mom and it has taken many conversations with other women (including my own Mother) to only begin to understand the level of responsibility this comes with or just how much of myself I will have to change. However, I have also learned recently that it does not mean that I need to "sacrifice" me, what makes me who I am, my core beliefs and/or the values, dreams and ambitions that I had prior to taking on this new role in my life.
I belong to a playgroup for pre-walkers and have met some wonderful women through this..some whom I am still getting to know and others who I truly believe are turning into wonderful friends. During these 2-2.5 hour weekly or bi-weekly get together's we talk as Moms and as women to each other while trying to wrangle the kids. Initially the conversations were pretty basic - getting to know each other etc. but recently and as we have got more comfortable with each other, we have all started to open up on deeper levels. We were talking the other week about going back to work and the when and hows of it when suddenly a few of us actually admitted (out loud) that this is not something we were wanting to rush in to. For the time being and the near future that we just wanted to be with our children and spending this valuable time with them.
I remember sitting on the living room floor and almost feeling myself exhale. I felt like it was all of a sudden o.k. for me to be thinking that I would rather be a SAHM instead of a Mom who also had a career and didn't immediately rush back to work after 3 months and put my baby in daycare just because that is what was expected and what has become more common than not these days. It was probably only then that I started to really relax around these women and let my guard down as I realized they were more like me than I even knew and not only did I not think any less of them but I was proud to be one of them.
With these thoughts running through my head, I then went to my bi-weekly MOPS meeting. The speaker who met with us discussed the transition from ones life before becoming a Mother to what it can be like after you are a Mother especially as one who stays home. Many of her points hit home with me and hard however I assumed I was the only one but as I looked around the room of women who I sat with, I saw many of them also nodding their heads in agreement with this woman and at the same points where I was also nodding my head. I finally felt like there was some sort of voice to this particular transition that I was going through and as if someone was saying to me "It's okay to feel this way, it's normal for some and it is also alright to embrace this new life of yours".
That was my problem...I hadn't learned to embrace being a Stay at Home Mom and nor was I necessarily comfortable with the acronym "SAHM". I felt like I was lost in this new ocean of Motherhood and that it was wrong to grieve about my life before compared to now and I felt guilty that I even thought this way when I had this beautiful baby to take care of and love and enjoy. Over the past week or so though, I have been giving more and more thought to this new chapter in my life and have realized that it is now time to turn the page and really immerse myself in this. I have come to understand that I am no longer on that sinking ship - that is over and done with. In a way when that "ship" did sink it was also my life preserver as it enabled me to have this new part of my life and tap into parts of myself that I never knew existed.
Looking at things now that I feel I have come through the dark waters and am on the other side, I can see how being a woman who is staying home with her daughter has made me more emotionally aware and sensitive to others needs. It has made me think many times before I act (or at least try to) and I don't feel like like I am going through my days in this rushed haze. I no longer feel like I have to fly through one task and another just to have part of myself appear in several different areas instead, I put all of myself into one task - complete it and then move on to the next. In essence, there is actually MORE of me in my day to day life than there ever was before and what I believe there would be if I were working.
While being a Stay at Home Mom was not something that was on the horizon for me or my husband...I believe we are both glad that I am. Yes, extra money is nice and having a bigger house would be great, especially on days when I feel like we are bursting at the seams. It would also be nice to be able to go on some of those wonderful vacations that we used to and to have that flat screen t.v. (that I know my husband would really like even though he will not admit it) but for us, that isn't where our hearts are at this particular time. For us, having the big flat-screen t.v. and the fancy vacation or bigger house at this point in time would mean me having to go back to work on a full-time basis and putting our daughter in daycare and to us, personally THAT is too big of a sacrifice to make.
10 or 11 months ago, I would have never thought that I would have this sort of thought process. I couldn't comprehend being a Stay at Home Mom and now not only am I that...but I am embracing it and learning to be proud of the acronym "SAHM". As irony would have it, when you pronounce "SAHM" as a word it sounds like the name Sam...which makes me smile on a completely different level and wonder if in the end this was all meant for me and part of my own destiny.
Do I know if I will be a SAHM forever...that remains to be seen and if not that is another chapter of my life yet to be written but for now, I am getting to know myself in a different way and come to understand this new person that I am becoming. No matter what I know that Sam will always be a part of my life and I intend to be the best SAHM that I can not only for my daughter but also for me. As women, I think we need to learn to really be proud of who we are, embrace each other on a deeper level and what it is that makes each of us individuals. We need to realize that sometimes "less" or what we perceive as less can truly be more and that the term Stay at Home Mom needs to be said with pride and purpose as it once was. It should not be said in a shameful sort of manner but worn as a badge of honor.
Perhaps I should send a Thank You card to the Captain of that sinking ship known as my prior place of employment as in the end their demise allowed me to sail into calmer waters and have a greater sense of peace and tranquility than I ever knew possible.
I didn't have difficulty understanding this because I didn't know any Stay at Home Mom's..quite the opposite. In fact, I am the product of a woman who stayed home with her children while her husband worked. Growing up, I felt this had it's pluses and it's minuses however it was not something that I aspired to be. Not because I thought any less of my Mother for not being a career woman but because I grew up thinking that I had to "have it all" or could do better by "having it all".
Having it all can be viewed in many different ways and varies depending on whom you are speaking to. To some, it means having a high-powered job and lots of very expensive material things, To others it means having less material objects and being more spiritually connected. Then there are those like me, who felt that having it all meant being both Career Woman and Mother and thinking that I could somehow give 100% in both areas. I believed it would be relatively easy to balance both of these things especially since I would be able to put my baby into daycare Monday through Friday and then really only have to parent in the evening and weekends. Keep in mind, this is back before I really had a full understanding of sleep deprivation or just how long it takes an infant ready to go out or how what seem to be the most simple of tasks can take forever to complete due to constant interuptions. In my head, I knew that I would still be a Mom while I was at work but that there would be someone else taking care of my child and felt that this would somehow make things easier or "ease the burden".
How naive I was. How little did I truly understand about the bond between Mother and Child. How immature and selfish of me to think in this manner. How did I not know then that when push came to shove and the thought of this was more than just that and a reality that what I had always believed and thought to be true would be tested. I didn't know that sheer possibility of this would (and still does) make me feel physically nauseous or make my heart hurt so much that I was in tears. I have never been much of a crier but since the birth of my daughter I have found that I can cry very easily at some things and ones that I never would have before...and then there are those that are unexpected and that catch me off guard. However that is now and this was then...
Still though, I wasn't ready to comprehend being a SAHM. In my mind, Stay at Home Mom's were women who had worked at some point but then decided not to pursue their careers further after their children were born out of some basic human instinct. In my mind, I didn't view those women as having a "job" and although I knew they were raising children to be good law-abiding citizens and successful adults I felt that they were somehow (and I am ashamed to admit)...yes, less. Less than someone like me because they had bought into some 1960's "Donna Reed" stereo-type that this is what they had to do. I pictured them at home cleaning house, doing dishes, folding laundry, watching the odd soap opera here and there and then driving the kids to and from school and then on to what after-school activity there might be for that particular day all to come home and cook dinner for their husband who was out in what I deemed as "the real world". I never realized that not only did they still have jobs but they were doing the hardest job in the world, making the least amount of money for it and that it was a 24/7 position. There are no nights, no weekends, no vacations and very few breaks for the SAHM in fact and as others have said before she is CEO of the family and perhaps this sort of position can't be given a monetary earnings figure because it is still so far out of the understanding of many...including who I was.
They say (whoever "they" are) that "life is what happens while you are busy making other plans" and that is what was happening to me in spring 2009. Not only was life growing inside of me during the times when I was still insisting that I had to have it all but it was changing all around me. The economy was suffering and the company I worked for was collapsing around me. Many times, I felt like I was on a sinking ship and before it all came to head and tipped from one end to the other and finally settled down into the murky abyss I remember wondering where my life preserver was and how we would "survive" things. Although, we saw it coming (the owners, my colleagues and even my husband and I)...we didn't really think it would and therefore we went on with the plan to find appropriate daycare for our yet unborn child.
In mid-April 2009, I sat in the living room of the woman that we were considering to look after our child. She herself was a SAHM who had been an Accountant in her pre-Mommy days but who was now home with her daughter and son and wanted to bring on a child during the day to care for as extra income for her family. I sat there thinking "wow, she's really nice and seems like she is pretty intelligent...how come she can't seem to get a job doing something else besides this?" In other words "how come she can't get a "real" job".
I write this and sit here shaking my head as I now know that this wonderful woman wasn't settling for "less" she was trying to do more for her family without making her children have to go without less time with their Mother. In other words and in her own way...she also was trying to have it all but without giving up what was truly important to her. In a way, she was a bigger person than I as she wasn't willing to sacrifice what was true in her heart and soul just for a much larger bank account, bigger house or nicer cars. She realized that what her children would value most about their childhoods in years to come would not be the material things but the actual time they got with their Mother, the things she taught them and the emotional connection they shared.
I am not bashing daycare providers or those that choose to or have to put their children into these types of facilities...we almost went down that path but while we were planning to do this, our life was changing around us and it wasn't until about three months ago that I began to come to this understanding and ultimately realize the profound affect it had on my life. It has taken a series of events in our personal life to have me become a Stay at Home Mom and it has taken many conversations with other women (including my own Mother) to only begin to understand the level of responsibility this comes with or just how much of myself I will have to change. However, I have also learned recently that it does not mean that I need to "sacrifice" me, what makes me who I am, my core beliefs and/or the values, dreams and ambitions that I had prior to taking on this new role in my life.
I belong to a playgroup for pre-walkers and have met some wonderful women through this..some whom I am still getting to know and others who I truly believe are turning into wonderful friends. During these 2-2.5 hour weekly or bi-weekly get together's we talk as Moms and as women to each other while trying to wrangle the kids. Initially the conversations were pretty basic - getting to know each other etc. but recently and as we have got more comfortable with each other, we have all started to open up on deeper levels. We were talking the other week about going back to work and the when and hows of it when suddenly a few of us actually admitted (out loud) that this is not something we were wanting to rush in to. For the time being and the near future that we just wanted to be with our children and spending this valuable time with them.
I remember sitting on the living room floor and almost feeling myself exhale. I felt like it was all of a sudden o.k. for me to be thinking that I would rather be a SAHM instead of a Mom who also had a career and didn't immediately rush back to work after 3 months and put my baby in daycare just because that is what was expected and what has become more common than not these days. It was probably only then that I started to really relax around these women and let my guard down as I realized they were more like me than I even knew and not only did I not think any less of them but I was proud to be one of them.
With these thoughts running through my head, I then went to my bi-weekly MOPS meeting. The speaker who met with us discussed the transition from ones life before becoming a Mother to what it can be like after you are a Mother especially as one who stays home. Many of her points hit home with me and hard however I assumed I was the only one but as I looked around the room of women who I sat with, I saw many of them also nodding their heads in agreement with this woman and at the same points where I was also nodding my head. I finally felt like there was some sort of voice to this particular transition that I was going through and as if someone was saying to me "It's okay to feel this way, it's normal for some and it is also alright to embrace this new life of yours".
That was my problem...I hadn't learned to embrace being a Stay at Home Mom and nor was I necessarily comfortable with the acronym "SAHM". I felt like I was lost in this new ocean of Motherhood and that it was wrong to grieve about my life before compared to now and I felt guilty that I even thought this way when I had this beautiful baby to take care of and love and enjoy. Over the past week or so though, I have been giving more and more thought to this new chapter in my life and have realized that it is now time to turn the page and really immerse myself in this. I have come to understand that I am no longer on that sinking ship - that is over and done with. In a way when that "ship" did sink it was also my life preserver as it enabled me to have this new part of my life and tap into parts of myself that I never knew existed.
Looking at things now that I feel I have come through the dark waters and am on the other side, I can see how being a woman who is staying home with her daughter has made me more emotionally aware and sensitive to others needs. It has made me think many times before I act (or at least try to) and I don't feel like like I am going through my days in this rushed haze. I no longer feel like I have to fly through one task and another just to have part of myself appear in several different areas instead, I put all of myself into one task - complete it and then move on to the next. In essence, there is actually MORE of me in my day to day life than there ever was before and what I believe there would be if I were working.
While being a Stay at Home Mom was not something that was on the horizon for me or my husband...I believe we are both glad that I am. Yes, extra money is nice and having a bigger house would be great, especially on days when I feel like we are bursting at the seams. It would also be nice to be able to go on some of those wonderful vacations that we used to and to have that flat screen t.v. (that I know my husband would really like even though he will not admit it) but for us, that isn't where our hearts are at this particular time. For us, having the big flat-screen t.v. and the fancy vacation or bigger house at this point in time would mean me having to go back to work on a full-time basis and putting our daughter in daycare and to us, personally THAT is too big of a sacrifice to make.
10 or 11 months ago, I would have never thought that I would have this sort of thought process. I couldn't comprehend being a Stay at Home Mom and now not only am I that...but I am embracing it and learning to be proud of the acronym "SAHM". As irony would have it, when you pronounce "SAHM" as a word it sounds like the name Sam...which makes me smile on a completely different level and wonder if in the end this was all meant for me and part of my own destiny.
Do I know if I will be a SAHM forever...that remains to be seen and if not that is another chapter of my life yet to be written but for now, I am getting to know myself in a different way and come to understand this new person that I am becoming. No matter what I know that Sam will always be a part of my life and I intend to be the best SAHM that I can not only for my daughter but also for me. As women, I think we need to learn to really be proud of who we are, embrace each other on a deeper level and what it is that makes each of us individuals. We need to realize that sometimes "less" or what we perceive as less can truly be more and that the term Stay at Home Mom needs to be said with pride and purpose as it once was. It should not be said in a shameful sort of manner but worn as a badge of honor.
Perhaps I should send a Thank You card to the Captain of that sinking ship known as my prior place of employment as in the end their demise allowed me to sail into calmer waters and have a greater sense of peace and tranquility than I ever knew possible.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
In my "old life" or my pre-Mommy days..I was a recruiter. I found candidates, interviewed them and matched them up with the appropriate jobs to interview for where they hopefully got hired. I was GOOD at my job..I started with no experience in this field, quickly moved up the ranks to a Senior level in only 1 year and basically proceeded to put in 40+ hours per week for them for the next 3 years. I gave up evenings with my husbands, some Saturday mornings and even part of my own sanity due to the high stress levels but I figured that the "rush" I got from filling a certain number of jobs each week which in turn increased my monthly commission check and the continued praise from my superiors made this alright and also guaranteed my future with the company.
Little did I know that on April 12th 2009, the sales and recruitment staff would be sat down and told "sorry, the company isn't doing well - we are letting you all go in 4 days" and therefore, I was about to become a statistic of this current failing economy. Initially, I was okay with this and spent my time looking for jobs but was also very much focused on having my baby and then raising her for the first few months of her life. I didn't think this really bothered me and felt that I was lucky to come out of through this sort of change in my life without any sort of emotional breakdown or level of frustration assuming that I would be able to find something relatively quickly and telling myself that I was happy to be away from the high levels of stress.
Now though, it is almost a year later and I am realizing that this was not the case at all. Perhaps it is that my daughter is now 9 months old and I am for the most part out of my initial "baby blur", the holiday season is well behind us, winter is about to become a distant memory and we as a family have some what of a routine but whatever it is, I am beginning to realize that I am mad about the situation.
From the time I told my boss that I was pregnant, I dealt with a series of remarks on a fairly regular basis to the affect of "if you have a desk to come back to after your maternity" or "could you come to work looking less pregnant due to X client meeting" or others that I choose not to mention that I now look back and wonder if I was actually let go due to the economy or if it was more so due to my pregnancy? I will probably never know one way or the other but what I do know is that I was damn good at my job and therefore, did not have a valid reason for having lost it. I don't just say that, I have this in writing (so to speak) from both my former employer and clients that I worked with however comments made obviously make me wonder and as I am not the only woman that I know of who has had this sort of thing happen to her 6-8 weeks prior to giving birth...it makes me wonder.
I am not sure what irritates me more, the thought that this might be the reason or the fact that I am now looking for work and trying to figure out what it is that I want to be doing with the rest of my life all the while making sure that me going back to work actually makes sense. Daycare costs a lot - to say the least - and does it really make sense for me to go back just to pay for daycare? Probably not.
In Illinois, the current unemployment rate is 11% while the national average is 9.somethingorother % and the governor of this state just announced today that he would raise income tax by 1% all while many citizens of this state are struggling to keep their homes, pay their bills AND are also about to lose their unemployment benefits. It is just so incredibly frustrating to know that so many who have skills and are talented are in the same position as me and my husband. We know that we are more fortunate than some but we still wonder "when will this all end" so that our lives will get better and what sort of future does our daughter have for her in this country. We have seriously considered leaving altogether as the end does not seem to be in sight but we know that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side.
I guess what it comes down to is that I need to really figure out what it is that I want to do when I grow up. When I take a step back and look at this from a non-emotional angle, I am able to say "everything happens for a reason" and begin to believe again that I have had this happen at this point in my life because I am not meant to be doing what it was that I did before. I feel that I am meant to be doing something more creative as the hum-drum world of Corporate America did on some level always make me want to poke my eyes out and honestly the thought of going back into a cubicle one day and working for someone else ranks right up their with the enjoyment of putting myself in a cage and roaming back and forth across the same 3 feet of space each day all the while looking out from behind the bars longing for my freedom.
At the moment, I am enjoying my time with my daughter but it is time for me to set the wheels in motion for what it is that I am going to do next with my life. Perhaps, I should use this frustration, anger and general sense of irritability in regards to this subject to my advantage and channel it into a type of fuel that I can use to start on this new path in my life. While I might not have chosen to be in this particular position at this moment in my life, maybe someone else is trying to tell me something and whatever it is, is beginning to get louder. I can almost feel it brewing in me and need to seize this "gift" that I have been given as I also believe that if I don't, it might pass me by and perhaps never come again...
Little did I know that on April 12th 2009, the sales and recruitment staff would be sat down and told "sorry, the company isn't doing well - we are letting you all go in 4 days" and therefore, I was about to become a statistic of this current failing economy. Initially, I was okay with this and spent my time looking for jobs but was also very much focused on having my baby and then raising her for the first few months of her life. I didn't think this really bothered me and felt that I was lucky to come out of through this sort of change in my life without any sort of emotional breakdown or level of frustration assuming that I would be able to find something relatively quickly and telling myself that I was happy to be away from the high levels of stress.
Now though, it is almost a year later and I am realizing that this was not the case at all. Perhaps it is that my daughter is now 9 months old and I am for the most part out of my initial "baby blur", the holiday season is well behind us, winter is about to become a distant memory and we as a family have some what of a routine but whatever it is, I am beginning to realize that I am mad about the situation.
From the time I told my boss that I was pregnant, I dealt with a series of remarks on a fairly regular basis to the affect of "if you have a desk to come back to after your maternity" or "could you come to work looking less pregnant due to X client meeting" or others that I choose not to mention that I now look back and wonder if I was actually let go due to the economy or if it was more so due to my pregnancy? I will probably never know one way or the other but what I do know is that I was damn good at my job and therefore, did not have a valid reason for having lost it. I don't just say that, I have this in writing (so to speak) from both my former employer and clients that I worked with however comments made obviously make me wonder and as I am not the only woman that I know of who has had this sort of thing happen to her 6-8 weeks prior to giving birth...it makes me wonder.
I am not sure what irritates me more, the thought that this might be the reason or the fact that I am now looking for work and trying to figure out what it is that I want to be doing with the rest of my life all the while making sure that me going back to work actually makes sense. Daycare costs a lot - to say the least - and does it really make sense for me to go back just to pay for daycare? Probably not.
In Illinois, the current unemployment rate is 11% while the national average is 9.somethingorother % and the governor of this state just announced today that he would raise income tax by 1% all while many citizens of this state are struggling to keep their homes, pay their bills AND are also about to lose their unemployment benefits. It is just so incredibly frustrating to know that so many who have skills and are talented are in the same position as me and my husband. We know that we are more fortunate than some but we still wonder "when will this all end" so that our lives will get better and what sort of future does our daughter have for her in this country. We have seriously considered leaving altogether as the end does not seem to be in sight but we know that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side.
I guess what it comes down to is that I need to really figure out what it is that I want to do when I grow up. When I take a step back and look at this from a non-emotional angle, I am able to say "everything happens for a reason" and begin to believe again that I have had this happen at this point in my life because I am not meant to be doing what it was that I did before. I feel that I am meant to be doing something more creative as the hum-drum world of Corporate America did on some level always make me want to poke my eyes out and honestly the thought of going back into a cubicle one day and working for someone else ranks right up their with the enjoyment of putting myself in a cage and roaming back and forth across the same 3 feet of space each day all the while looking out from behind the bars longing for my freedom.
At the moment, I am enjoying my time with my daughter but it is time for me to set the wheels in motion for what it is that I am going to do next with my life. Perhaps, I should use this frustration, anger and general sense of irritability in regards to this subject to my advantage and channel it into a type of fuel that I can use to start on this new path in my life. While I might not have chosen to be in this particular position at this moment in my life, maybe someone else is trying to tell me something and whatever it is, is beginning to get louder. I can almost feel it brewing in me and need to seize this "gift" that I have been given as I also believe that if I don't, it might pass me by and perhaps never come again...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Ah....free time ;-)
Phew, life sure changes once you have a baby. Never did the line from the commercial on t.v that says "having a baby changes everything" mean so much. I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to blog in ages and while I probably have had little snippets of time here and there where I could have sat down for 15-20 minutes, I haven't had the time to fully immerse myself in a thought and then put that thought down in a clear and concise manner.
I remember when I was working and I used to complain about being busy and running short on time because of one thing and another but now I look back on that and want to laugh in the face of my former self. I used to think that between my 30 minute commute (each way), working 40 or so hours a week and having hours filled with long meals out with my husband of with friends, running errands and doing stuff around the house took away from my ability to sit down and write and yes, I used each one of these as a reason not to but had I known then, what I know now...I would have put in HOURS and HOURS just on writing.
I went to my MOPS group this week (highly recommended for any stay at home Moms or those that work part-time) for our bi-weekly meeting and the discussion was about our lives as women prior to becoming Moms and how they change after we become Moms and attempting to find that balance between the two. I.E. that we don't have to give up ourselves entirely just to be Moms and that it is actually better that we don't because our children need to see us as being individuals and not only having our own talents but also pursuing them as in the end, this make them strong people themselves.
This "balance" is something that I have been struggling with since my daughter came into the world 8.5 months ago. I remember sitting at home the day before I was going into the hospital to have her (I was induced) and eagerly anticipating the moment when I would see "the baby" (we chose to let the gender be a surprise) and expected it to be like it is depicted in the movies or on the show "A Baby Story on TLC. I guess my thought was "that is a reality show, so that must be more accurate than the movies!" but little did I know just how wrong I was.
Less than 24 hours later, I was in the OR having a c-section completely hopped up on medication and not really knowing what was going on. I couldn't see anything and when my daughter was born, my husband was the one who had the reaction that I thought I would and who got to hold her for the first time. The thing is though, at the time, I didn't care. I was honestly just glad that she was healthy and that I was no longer pregnant but I was too busy shaking uncontrollably to even fathom holding her, let alone nursing (which went out the window on day 2 anyway)and could only think "sleep, all I want to do is sleep...please let me stop shaking so I can sleep".
Until this meeting this week, I honestly thought I was a terrible Mother for having those thoughts on the first night of my daughter's life in this world. What I didn't know though is that I wasn't and far from it. Most of the women at my table admitted they had had a similar experience post-birth and that this sort of reaction was far more normal than the one we do see in the movies and/or on T.V. Like myself, 2 of the other women at my table admitted to falling asleep in the recovery room and most of us who had had c-sections admitted to barely remembering the first 24 hours of our child's life. Sad but thank goodness my husband captured every moment post delivery on video...I now treasure that bit of footage more than any other we have.
What we found though upon further discussion is that we are all struggling for time and learning how to balance our new lives. The group we belong to stands for Mothers of Pre-schoolers so all of the little ones are birth through about 6 years old and therefore we can all learn and relate to each other...those of us that are first time Moms are obviously learning a lot more from the more seasoned veterans than actually giving advice at this point in time. One thing we all mentioned is how much time we had prior to having children (that we thought was so little) and how there are days when we might like to go back and just have 1 day in that world and perhaps relish in the fact that all we have to do is think about ourselves.
It sounds selfish but really that is what it was like. Yes, I thought about my husband and we spent a lot of time together but we could just pick up and go when we wanted. We didn't have to plan to leave a half hour before we needed to be somewhere that was only 15 minutes away and nor did I have to get a bag ready the night before with what seems like enough supplies for 3 weeks like I do now. There are days when I literally feel like all I do is: pack and unpack the diaper bag, make bottles and wash bottles, load laundry and fold laundry, take out toys and pick up toys, fill baths and give baths and hunt on occasion for the missing pacifier.
There are also some weeks that we come to end of on a Friday evening and I am sitting with my husband watching a DVD and I realize that I am completely and utterly exhausted and unsure if I can make it until 9:00 (but we only started the movie 20 minutes ago as that is when the baby finally went down) and when I think about what the majority of my week consisted of and realize that I spent all of this time doing all of these things for someone else and once again, I neglected to make time for me.
I have been thinking a lot about that meeting since we had it on Monday and my pre-baby idea of "free time" and what my post-baby definition is of it now and the one thing I have realized is that I have to make it a point to make time for me as well. I have realized that I don't have to be a "career woman" for my daughter to see me as being successful when she is older (although I probably will still go back to work at some point) but I do have to continue to pursue the other interests that I have always had and who knows, perhaps when she is old enough we will find that one of these is a shared interest and something we can both enjoy. Therefore, giving us more "time" together.
I remember when I was working and I used to complain about being busy and running short on time because of one thing and another but now I look back on that and want to laugh in the face of my former self. I used to think that between my 30 minute commute (each way), working 40 or so hours a week and having hours filled with long meals out with my husband of with friends, running errands and doing stuff around the house took away from my ability to sit down and write and yes, I used each one of these as a reason not to but had I known then, what I know now...I would have put in HOURS and HOURS just on writing.
I went to my MOPS group this week (highly recommended for any stay at home Moms or those that work part-time) for our bi-weekly meeting and the discussion was about our lives as women prior to becoming Moms and how they change after we become Moms and attempting to find that balance between the two. I.E. that we don't have to give up ourselves entirely just to be Moms and that it is actually better that we don't because our children need to see us as being individuals and not only having our own talents but also pursuing them as in the end, this make them strong people themselves.
This "balance" is something that I have been struggling with since my daughter came into the world 8.5 months ago. I remember sitting at home the day before I was going into the hospital to have her (I was induced) and eagerly anticipating the moment when I would see "the baby" (we chose to let the gender be a surprise) and expected it to be like it is depicted in the movies or on the show "A Baby Story on TLC. I guess my thought was "that is a reality show, so that must be more accurate than the movies!" but little did I know just how wrong I was.
Less than 24 hours later, I was in the OR having a c-section completely hopped up on medication and not really knowing what was going on. I couldn't see anything and when my daughter was born, my husband was the one who had the reaction that I thought I would and who got to hold her for the first time. The thing is though, at the time, I didn't care. I was honestly just glad that she was healthy and that I was no longer pregnant but I was too busy shaking uncontrollably to even fathom holding her, let alone nursing (which went out the window on day 2 anyway)and could only think "sleep, all I want to do is sleep...please let me stop shaking so I can sleep".
Until this meeting this week, I honestly thought I was a terrible Mother for having those thoughts on the first night of my daughter's life in this world. What I didn't know though is that I wasn't and far from it. Most of the women at my table admitted they had had a similar experience post-birth and that this sort of reaction was far more normal than the one we do see in the movies and/or on T.V. Like myself, 2 of the other women at my table admitted to falling asleep in the recovery room and most of us who had had c-sections admitted to barely remembering the first 24 hours of our child's life. Sad but thank goodness my husband captured every moment post delivery on video...I now treasure that bit of footage more than any other we have.
What we found though upon further discussion is that we are all struggling for time and learning how to balance our new lives. The group we belong to stands for Mothers of Pre-schoolers so all of the little ones are birth through about 6 years old and therefore we can all learn and relate to each other...those of us that are first time Moms are obviously learning a lot more from the more seasoned veterans than actually giving advice at this point in time. One thing we all mentioned is how much time we had prior to having children (that we thought was so little) and how there are days when we might like to go back and just have 1 day in that world and perhaps relish in the fact that all we have to do is think about ourselves.
It sounds selfish but really that is what it was like. Yes, I thought about my husband and we spent a lot of time together but we could just pick up and go when we wanted. We didn't have to plan to leave a half hour before we needed to be somewhere that was only 15 minutes away and nor did I have to get a bag ready the night before with what seems like enough supplies for 3 weeks like I do now. There are days when I literally feel like all I do is: pack and unpack the diaper bag, make bottles and wash bottles, load laundry and fold laundry, take out toys and pick up toys, fill baths and give baths and hunt on occasion for the missing pacifier.
There are also some weeks that we come to end of on a Friday evening and I am sitting with my husband watching a DVD and I realize that I am completely and utterly exhausted and unsure if I can make it until 9:00 (but we only started the movie 20 minutes ago as that is when the baby finally went down) and when I think about what the majority of my week consisted of and realize that I spent all of this time doing all of these things for someone else and once again, I neglected to make time for me.
I have been thinking a lot about that meeting since we had it on Monday and my pre-baby idea of "free time" and what my post-baby definition is of it now and the one thing I have realized is that I have to make it a point to make time for me as well. I have realized that I don't have to be a "career woman" for my daughter to see me as being successful when she is older (although I probably will still go back to work at some point) but I do have to continue to pursue the other interests that I have always had and who knows, perhaps when she is old enough we will find that one of these is a shared interest and something we can both enjoy. Therefore, giving us more "time" together.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
My new inspiration....
When I was working outside of the home, I was inspired (or so I thought) to be successful in a variety of areas such as: Have better people skills, Focus more and make the sale or fill the job, Be the most productive, Earn a higher salary, Bring in the highest commission, Be certified in my area of expertise, Come in early/leave late and take calls after hours and on weekends or in other words do whatever it took even if that meant sacrificing my personal life.
At the time, I was fine with this and I truly thought that I was inspired. I did love what I was doing and as a Recruiter, I got to assist others in finding great jobs as quickly as possibly that were the "perfect" fit for them. However this was not without benefit to me from a financial perspective and I have to say is one that at times I did tend to focus on. Had I not got pregnant and then lost my job, I would probably be back there now continuing to do all of these things all the while sacrificing my personal life which now would have been far more busy than it as just a few short months ago.
They say that "hindsight is 20/20" and I believe this to be true. For one thing, I no longer look at what I do professionally as defining me (should I return to work) and am 100% positive that the career path I was on is not one that was really inspirational or making me a better person at all.
I came to this realization today, as I was sitting on the floor playing with my daughter. She has just learned how to clap and wave and as far as she is concerned having the ability to do this, is just about the best thing in the world...apart from her bottle, of course! Seeing these accomplishments in life bring so much joy to one so small tend to (at least in my case) make one re-evaluate what it is that is truly important in life. Sitting there, I began to think about what it is that is really important to me personally and while I would like to go back to work at some point, I believe that I need to find something completely different from what it is that I did before and this is in part for my daughter.
It is funny how having a child makes one reconsider your own wants and needs. We all hear this before the baby arrives that, "it is no longer about just you" but coming to that realization is very different as it doesn't necessarily happen overnight. With me, it started slowly and as corny as it sounds, I honestly feel like certain things are beginning to become clearer to me. I feel like I have been going through my life looking through a sheer curtain and having my daughter has lifted that and made me see just how many opportunities there are out there for me and if there is something new that I want to do...that I shouldn't be afraid to go after it.
First and foremost on my list at the moment is to get healthy, once and for all. Weight has been an ongoing issue in my life for years and is one that I am completely sick and tired of. Therefore, I have re-joined Weight Watchers and this time, will meet my goal. I was halfway there before when I hit a plateau 2 years ago and let work and working extra hours get in the way. I then got pregnant, gained weight and while I have lost all but 3lbs I am back to where I was when I hit this bump in the road. So, with the support of my family I am back on this journey and as my sister reminded me the other night on the phone...this time I am starting at what was the halfway point for me last time so I am already ahead of the game! (I really need to start listening to my little sister!)
I was a bit hesitant walking back in to Weight Watchers yesterday for my first weigh-in and meeting but what I found as I sat there and listened, is that I was comfortable and actually relieved to be back. I tried it on my own...it didn't work for me, and having this sort of support makes me feel like I am lifting some sort of burden off of my shoulders. In a way I have finally admitted to myself and those that I love "okay, I stumbled a bit and might not be right where I want to be just yet, but I can do this and will". It was as if, I had to come to those terms myself but what held me back was the fear of admitting that not only to myself but to my family. For some reason, I thought that they would think less of me (which they would not have) but this didn't happen and nor did my world come crashing down or anyone laugh at me. As a child, I was made fun of because I was heavier and taking ownership of this in my life is one thing that I have always struggled with....I feel like I finally have.
I also thought about what it is that I want to be doing professionally that will bring me joy and as I sat on the floor watching my daughter giggle at her talking puppy (who by this point was singing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes for the 40th time today) I found that I kept coming back to the thought that it has be creative. I have always loved reading, writing and art and in fact get a certain charge out of putting together a well thought out paragraph, reading a book that makes me think and stays with me long after the last page has been turned and looking at a painting for the first time that literally "speaks" to me and makes my heart skip a bea> Hence why the reprint of Vetriano's "The Butlers Dance" hangs on my kitchen wall.
I know that I was not cut out to go and work in a cubicle or a stuffy office where I have someone looming over me and watching my every move or telling me what I "need" to do and when etc. Been there..done that! I am still not sure what this will be exactly but I believe that I have been given this time that I have and that my old job ended in the way that it did for a very specific reason. I believe that this was so that I would be able to have this particular time with my daughter but also so that I can decide what it is that I want to putting my other energies in to. I want my daughter to look at me when she is older and think to herself "Mom went after what she really wanted and I know that I can do the same".
I used to think that having a great job had to do with making the most money, having really good health care and moving up the ladder as quickly as possibly but now, I don't feel that way. While money is great and as we all know is a necessity in life, I don't want my life to be about that and I don't want her to grow up believing that she has to keep "going, going, going" in order to have it all. That term "have it all" is one that as a woman I have heard over and over and over again and now, I am not sure that I want it all especially if the only reward in the end is a larger bank account. I want to really enjoy what I do and feel that it is beneficial to not only me but also to my family as it makes me a happier person and not someone who is tired and stressed out all of the time. I know that if I were back in my old job right now that I would be this way and I can only imagine how this would negatively impact my daughter and I sometimes wonder if she would be anywhere near as happy a baby.....
The long and short of it is, is that my new inspiration IS my daughter. She makes me want to be a better person and to really go after my dreams. My husband always encouraged me to do this but having this new little person in my life who is experiencing so many firsts at the moment and getting so much joy out of them that it makes me want to experience this for myself on a personal level again instead of just watching it. In the next year, I would like to be at my goal weight for the first time in a very long time to be doing what it is that I would love to be doing professionally for the first time ever and not just settling or taking the first thing that comes along.
As I continue to ponder what this is, I know that I will continue to be inspired by my little smiley girl and in the meantime let her make my heart skip a beat on a daily basis.
At the time, I was fine with this and I truly thought that I was inspired. I did love what I was doing and as a Recruiter, I got to assist others in finding great jobs as quickly as possibly that were the "perfect" fit for them. However this was not without benefit to me from a financial perspective and I have to say is one that at times I did tend to focus on. Had I not got pregnant and then lost my job, I would probably be back there now continuing to do all of these things all the while sacrificing my personal life which now would have been far more busy than it as just a few short months ago.
They say that "hindsight is 20/20" and I believe this to be true. For one thing, I no longer look at what I do professionally as defining me (should I return to work) and am 100% positive that the career path I was on is not one that was really inspirational or making me a better person at all.
I came to this realization today, as I was sitting on the floor playing with my daughter. She has just learned how to clap and wave and as far as she is concerned having the ability to do this, is just about the best thing in the world...apart from her bottle, of course! Seeing these accomplishments in life bring so much joy to one so small tend to (at least in my case) make one re-evaluate what it is that is truly important in life. Sitting there, I began to think about what it is that is really important to me personally and while I would like to go back to work at some point, I believe that I need to find something completely different from what it is that I did before and this is in part for my daughter.
It is funny how having a child makes one reconsider your own wants and needs. We all hear this before the baby arrives that, "it is no longer about just you" but coming to that realization is very different as it doesn't necessarily happen overnight. With me, it started slowly and as corny as it sounds, I honestly feel like certain things are beginning to become clearer to me. I feel like I have been going through my life looking through a sheer curtain and having my daughter has lifted that and made me see just how many opportunities there are out there for me and if there is something new that I want to do...that I shouldn't be afraid to go after it.
First and foremost on my list at the moment is to get healthy, once and for all. Weight has been an ongoing issue in my life for years and is one that I am completely sick and tired of. Therefore, I have re-joined Weight Watchers and this time, will meet my goal. I was halfway there before when I hit a plateau 2 years ago and let work and working extra hours get in the way. I then got pregnant, gained weight and while I have lost all but 3lbs I am back to where I was when I hit this bump in the road. So, with the support of my family I am back on this journey and as my sister reminded me the other night on the phone...this time I am starting at what was the halfway point for me last time so I am already ahead of the game! (I really need to start listening to my little sister!)
I was a bit hesitant walking back in to Weight Watchers yesterday for my first weigh-in and meeting but what I found as I sat there and listened, is that I was comfortable and actually relieved to be back. I tried it on my own...it didn't work for me, and having this sort of support makes me feel like I am lifting some sort of burden off of my shoulders. In a way I have finally admitted to myself and those that I love "okay, I stumbled a bit and might not be right where I want to be just yet, but I can do this and will". It was as if, I had to come to those terms myself but what held me back was the fear of admitting that not only to myself but to my family. For some reason, I thought that they would think less of me (which they would not have) but this didn't happen and nor did my world come crashing down or anyone laugh at me. As a child, I was made fun of because I was heavier and taking ownership of this in my life is one thing that I have always struggled with....I feel like I finally have.
I also thought about what it is that I want to be doing professionally that will bring me joy and as I sat on the floor watching my daughter giggle at her talking puppy (who by this point was singing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes for the 40th time today) I found that I kept coming back to the thought that it has be creative. I have always loved reading, writing and art and in fact get a certain charge out of putting together a well thought out paragraph, reading a book that makes me think and stays with me long after the last page has been turned and looking at a painting for the first time that literally "speaks" to me and makes my heart skip a bea> Hence why the reprint of Vetriano's "The Butlers Dance" hangs on my kitchen wall.
I know that I was not cut out to go and work in a cubicle or a stuffy office where I have someone looming over me and watching my every move or telling me what I "need" to do and when etc. Been there..done that! I am still not sure what this will be exactly but I believe that I have been given this time that I have and that my old job ended in the way that it did for a very specific reason. I believe that this was so that I would be able to have this particular time with my daughter but also so that I can decide what it is that I want to putting my other energies in to. I want my daughter to look at me when she is older and think to herself "Mom went after what she really wanted and I know that I can do the same".
I used to think that having a great job had to do with making the most money, having really good health care and moving up the ladder as quickly as possibly but now, I don't feel that way. While money is great and as we all know is a necessity in life, I don't want my life to be about that and I don't want her to grow up believing that she has to keep "going, going, going" in order to have it all. That term "have it all" is one that as a woman I have heard over and over and over again and now, I am not sure that I want it all especially if the only reward in the end is a larger bank account. I want to really enjoy what I do and feel that it is beneficial to not only me but also to my family as it makes me a happier person and not someone who is tired and stressed out all of the time. I know that if I were back in my old job right now that I would be this way and I can only imagine how this would negatively impact my daughter and I sometimes wonder if she would be anywhere near as happy a baby.....
The long and short of it is, is that my new inspiration IS my daughter. She makes me want to be a better person and to really go after my dreams. My husband always encouraged me to do this but having this new little person in my life who is experiencing so many firsts at the moment and getting so much joy out of them that it makes me want to experience this for myself on a personal level again instead of just watching it. In the next year, I would like to be at my goal weight for the first time in a very long time to be doing what it is that I would love to be doing professionally for the first time ever and not just settling or taking the first thing that comes along.
As I continue to ponder what this is, I know that I will continue to be inspired by my little smiley girl and in the meantime let her make my heart skip a beat on a daily basis.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Welcome 2010!
2009 has officially come and gone and I have to say that apart from the birth of our daughter that I am thrilled for it to be over. It just seemed to be a tough year for everyone that I know in some way or other and I think that we are all looking forward to not only this next year but also the next decade and are hopeful of what it will bring.
One of the things that I realized this year when asked what my new years resolution was is that it didn't focus on myself. Yes, there are things that I want to work on in the new year such as continuing to lose the extra baby weight (I can get into my pre-pregnancy jeans (woo hoo!) I just can't sit down in them), working out more, eating healthier and deleting the "toxic" personalities from my life but there were also those that I didn't expect such as:
Meet other first time Moms (or those with young children)
Have playdates for my daughter so she begins to make friends
Spend more time appreciating the little things in life that my daughter is so fascinated by
Trust my instincts as a Mom more
One of the things that I have found it very tough to do since being home is to meet other first time Moms or even stay at home Moms and have found myself having to seek out those resources. Thank God for my girlfriend who recommended my MOPS group or I might just have actually lost my mind come mid-September of 09. It is an amazing resource of women with kids of all ages who are able to really learn from each other, share "war" stories and also socialize without the kiddos and even our husbands on occasion - therefore we really get time away :-)
Along with this, our daughter has now reached her 7 month milestone and I am realizing how important it is for her to begin to interact with other little ones of her age. We joined a couples with kids group in our area and have met a couple with a little girl who is about 3 weeks older than ours. We met up with them today at Borders for coffee and playtime and it was a hoot just to watch the girls interact with each other. It took our daughter a little bit of time to warm up to the situation as she tends to be a bit more like me and check out things before she participates but in the end, they seemed to be getting along with each other and I think had naptime not ensued that they would have been perfectly happy to giggle at each other for the better part of the afternoon. These are the sorts of things that she needs more of to develop her own social skills but it is also great for all of us (even the Dads) as since the girls are so close in age we are able to share a lot of similar experiences going on in our lives right now.
This is how I have begun to notice how important it is to really appreciate the little things in life that this time last year, I know I would have taken for granted since I would not have been sitting down on the floor playing as much as I do now. The wonder that I see in my daughter's eyes as she picks up a toy for the first time or in watching the shadows move across the carpet or how one can be entertained merely by sitting across from another and smiling and giggling makes me see how much we miss as we get older. Our lives are so fast that we never really stop, look around and actually take it all in...something I truly hope I am able to do more of.
Trusting my instincts as a new Mom is one that I grappled with at the beginning when I thought I needed to be reading all the books, going off of what the pediatrician said verbatim and comparing my child to everyone else's. Now, I still do sometimes compare my daughter's milestones to those of others who I know or what I have read but I don't stress out over it like I once did since there are some areas where she has been ahead of the curve and others where she has been a bit behind but they say that in the end we all get there and if it takes a little bit longer not to worry.
I have begun to take on the mindset that the best person to tell me when my daughter is ready to eat new foods (i.e. move up to the next level), begin crawling, walking etc is my daughter and that she does do things in her own time. She has never been a child who will "do tricks on command" and reminds me of that quite frequently when I want her to do something at that particular moment as she looks at me as if to say "Mommy, that isn't happening and the more you want it to the less likely it will". She is definitely teaching me a thing or two about patience...something anyone who knows me will tell you I lack.
Over the past few days, I have heard it mentioned on more than one occasion by one person or another that they are wishing the holidays weren't over as it means no more time off work and that they are counting the days until the next day off or their vacation. This time last year, I was in their shoes and I remember feeling exactly the same way but due to one thing and another I am not in that position at this particular time and for the first time in many years, I am looking forward to attempting to keep the resolutions that I have made. I am sure that some will take more work than others and I will stumble and fall in some areas but if I believe (as I do with my daughter) that in time I will get there....then hopefully by this time next year, I will be able to say that I have successfully accomplished some of those goals and kept my resolutions.
On a side note though, I do have one more personal resolution - carve out more one on one time with the girlfriends. It is great to get together with the kids and husbands etc but I am learning (especially this past year) how important that relationship with other women is for us as Moms and in general...something I know I have taken for granted and I intend not to any further. It is amazing how just sitting down for a couple of hours over a good cup of tea and talking about anything can be cleansing for the soul...something I was reminded of yesterday as I truly believe that it benefits every aspect of our lives and makes us better and stronger women and in turn..Moms.
One of the things that I realized this year when asked what my new years resolution was is that it didn't focus on myself. Yes, there are things that I want to work on in the new year such as continuing to lose the extra baby weight (I can get into my pre-pregnancy jeans (woo hoo!) I just can't sit down in them), working out more, eating healthier and deleting the "toxic" personalities from my life but there were also those that I didn't expect such as:
Meet other first time Moms (or those with young children)
Have playdates for my daughter so she begins to make friends
Spend more time appreciating the little things in life that my daughter is so fascinated by
Trust my instincts as a Mom more
One of the things that I have found it very tough to do since being home is to meet other first time Moms or even stay at home Moms and have found myself having to seek out those resources. Thank God for my girlfriend who recommended my MOPS group or I might just have actually lost my mind come mid-September of 09. It is an amazing resource of women with kids of all ages who are able to really learn from each other, share "war" stories and also socialize without the kiddos and even our husbands on occasion - therefore we really get time away :-)
Along with this, our daughter has now reached her 7 month milestone and I am realizing how important it is for her to begin to interact with other little ones of her age. We joined a couples with kids group in our area and have met a couple with a little girl who is about 3 weeks older than ours. We met up with them today at Borders for coffee and playtime and it was a hoot just to watch the girls interact with each other. It took our daughter a little bit of time to warm up to the situation as she tends to be a bit more like me and check out things before she participates but in the end, they seemed to be getting along with each other and I think had naptime not ensued that they would have been perfectly happy to giggle at each other for the better part of the afternoon. These are the sorts of things that she needs more of to develop her own social skills but it is also great for all of us (even the Dads) as since the girls are so close in age we are able to share a lot of similar experiences going on in our lives right now.
This is how I have begun to notice how important it is to really appreciate the little things in life that this time last year, I know I would have taken for granted since I would not have been sitting down on the floor playing as much as I do now. The wonder that I see in my daughter's eyes as she picks up a toy for the first time or in watching the shadows move across the carpet or how one can be entertained merely by sitting across from another and smiling and giggling makes me see how much we miss as we get older. Our lives are so fast that we never really stop, look around and actually take it all in...something I truly hope I am able to do more of.
Trusting my instincts as a new Mom is one that I grappled with at the beginning when I thought I needed to be reading all the books, going off of what the pediatrician said verbatim and comparing my child to everyone else's. Now, I still do sometimes compare my daughter's milestones to those of others who I know or what I have read but I don't stress out over it like I once did since there are some areas where she has been ahead of the curve and others where she has been a bit behind but they say that in the end we all get there and if it takes a little bit longer not to worry.
I have begun to take on the mindset that the best person to tell me when my daughter is ready to eat new foods (i.e. move up to the next level), begin crawling, walking etc is my daughter and that she does do things in her own time. She has never been a child who will "do tricks on command" and reminds me of that quite frequently when I want her to do something at that particular moment as she looks at me as if to say "Mommy, that isn't happening and the more you want it to the less likely it will". She is definitely teaching me a thing or two about patience...something anyone who knows me will tell you I lack.
Over the past few days, I have heard it mentioned on more than one occasion by one person or another that they are wishing the holidays weren't over as it means no more time off work and that they are counting the days until the next day off or their vacation. This time last year, I was in their shoes and I remember feeling exactly the same way but due to one thing and another I am not in that position at this particular time and for the first time in many years, I am looking forward to attempting to keep the resolutions that I have made. I am sure that some will take more work than others and I will stumble and fall in some areas but if I believe (as I do with my daughter) that in time I will get there....then hopefully by this time next year, I will be able to say that I have successfully accomplished some of those goals and kept my resolutions.
On a side note though, I do have one more personal resolution - carve out more one on one time with the girlfriends. It is great to get together with the kids and husbands etc but I am learning (especially this past year) how important that relationship with other women is for us as Moms and in general...something I know I have taken for granted and I intend not to any further. It is amazing how just sitting down for a couple of hours over a good cup of tea and talking about anything can be cleansing for the soul...something I was reminded of yesterday as I truly believe that it benefits every aspect of our lives and makes us better and stronger women and in turn..Moms.
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